Things That Should Be In Mass Effect 3, But Probably Won't Be (Part Two)

I love Mass Effect. The third and final installment--with little more than one teaser trailer and one gameplay trailer released so far--already has me grabbed by the wrinklies, and I'm certain it's going to be a truly epic end to a great saga of heroism and hard choices. But there are a few things that I'd really love to see--that I think are very possible for the Bioware team to make--that I'm fairly certain won't make the cut. These are things that should be in Mass Effect 3, but probably won't be:

I want every romanceable character to make a full return.

Why I want it: With the first two Mass Effect games there are a total of nine fully realized romance options for players, based on whether the player character is male or female. The three romantic interests from the first Mass Effect game all had very minor roles in Mass Effect 2, and while it is dramatically engaging to have a loyal Shepard pining for their love from the mission against Saren, it would be an astronomical rip-off if Bioware's developers were to force a similar result on you in the bookend installment of Shepard's story. I've already consigned myself to pick my character's romantic interest in the first two games based on what options are supported in third. So it would be nice if they didn't encourage players like me to shoe-horn a particular romance option by limiting the stable of end-game representation.

Why I won't get it: Mass Effect had a party roster of six, and Mass Effect 2 doubled that with its final roster including DLC characters Zaeed and Kasumi. Assuming twelve approaches the ceiling of what Bioware wants to have in the party roster, I doubt nine of those options will be romantic interests. It would, however, be fun if those who didn't rank high enough on Bioware's priority list to be party members would at least be ever-present crew members on your ship. Following the popular success of such supporting crew as Joker, Yeoman Chambers, and EDI, Mass Effect 3 would do well to make the Normandy a small village of dynamic personalities to contrast the horrors of the War with the Reapers. Of course, there's another option...

I want one-and-a-half butt-loads of potential party members.

Why I want it: As I mentioned above, I want all the romantic interests to return as party members. But that is inaccurate. I want every party member who survived either game to make a return as a potential party member. I mean, I frakkin' kept them alive through one or more suicide missions--they should stick around. This would necessitate a sixteen-person roster. Assuming the new game will have a few new party members, we're looking at a potential roster with twenty names on it. Shiny, that's what I'm talking about. That's quality choice, man. More than enough to ensure that players go through the epic game (and its precursors) again and again to experience quality time with each of the squad members, having a roster of anything more than a dozen should help to deepen the player's feelings of being submerged in a vast struggle where every last resource is being pulled to fight the ultimate threat to all sentient life.

Why I won't get it: Bioware is pretty much guaranteed not to go this route. In an interview in issue 217 of Game Informer, Executive Producer Casey Hudson indicated that at least some of the past party members will have little more than cameos in the third game. Lame. Now, I understand that developing all the dialogue, animations, meshes, skins, and so forth for twenty characters is probably too much for such a story-intensive game, but I don't like the excuse that it's to avoid clutter. It would be totally easy to make some of the characters be mutually exclusive--quarian Tali and geth Legion are always at odds, anyways, so the idea of them refusing to serve alongside the other makes sense. Krogans Wrex and Grunt might refuse to fight alongside each other out of a selfish sense of competitive pride. The developers could also make a time-management dynamic (more on this later) that made it where you'd only have time to recruit a half dozen squad-mates before events come crashing down on your head. I think someone needs to step up and do something along these lines, and Bioware's already pioneered the video game RPG genre enough to show they have the stones to do it.

I want the romance to be more nuanced, and to explore getting completely spurned or rejected.

Why I want it: Character romance has been a big part of Bioware's most recent games, and despite the childish responses for and against their inclusion, it makes for a dynamic story that transcends the average video game experience. But it is still crude and clumsy, and it doesn't have to be so. As it stands, if a character has romantic potential, their overtures are made obvious at some point, and the player receives an equally obvious choice of responses that either progress or forbid the romantic envoy. There's no reason not to flesh this out by making any romance have an element of uncertainty--an easy example is that maybe a crass pickup line gets one character's attention, turns off another, or polite apathy stirs the interest of someone else who likes it when Shepard plays hard to get. This could then lead into the possibility of Shepard pursuing someone romantically, getting rejected or held at arm's length, and still having to put aside the awkwardness for the good of the galaxy and their mission. Lennier from Babylon 5 is a good example of this dynamic--his unrequited infatuation with Delenn made the fourth season's climax feel that much more tense, as his emotions and attachment conflicted with what had to be done. If implemented in Mass Effect 3, I think this would be an awesome way of rejuvenating the romance feature of their games.

Why I won't get it: Admittedly, Jack's romance in Mass Effect 2 makes a pass at being more nuanced than the standard Bioware romance. The idea that bedding her in a sleezy fashion early on will altogether preclude a meaningful romance with her is a good refinement, and it makes the emotional impact of waiting for her to become emotionally accessible feel more noble. But it's still pretty obvious which way things are going with her. Making the relational choices have more nuance, however, moves towards the genre called dating sim. I don't think incorporating more dating sim elements into Mass Effect would be technically hard--it's just a more mysterious, twisting conversation tree, really. It would however, warp the genre quite a bit, and I'm certain Bioware won't mess with their formula that much as they finish up the trilogy. But hopefully it will factor into their next project.

Your Favorites, After-hours

It is one of the great tragedies of the comic book genre that business always proceeds as usual. Spider-Man may be divorced now, but you can bet that in his next issue he'll fight a bad guy in New York, make some witty rejoinder, sling some webs, hem-and-haw over some undergraduate-level scientific solutions to a super-powered problem, and prevail--almost certainly not killing the villain.

This is the nature of the medium. Comic series that last do so by virtue of building on their most spectacular success--however superficial it may be. If you buy an issue of X-men and enjoy it for the team conflict and the social commentary, you'll expect more of those same elements in the next issue you buy. Comic book series of more limited appeal and shorter runs can sometimes overcome this limitation, but such aspiration is rather more rare in the flagship titles of the big comic book publishers. That's why this trend is a literal tragedy--the greatness and mass popularity of a comic can work against its absolute quality, leading to a downfall that necessarily follows its success.

When you have 32 pages a month to tell a story, present some action, establish menace and then give it some level of resolution--even if it ends in a cliffhanger--you don't have much room for fluff. Fortunately, this is where the popular comic book characters have a small advantage. When you are around for 40 years or more, even a tidbit of characterization per issue amounts to a deluge of little details. Done well, it can turn the 30 page monthly super-hero grind into something transcendent when you look at those 2 pages of legitimate characterization.

Once more, though, the commercial reality of comic book publication rears its ugly head. Writers change, characters get rebooted, and editors insist that a certain portion of an entire comic series is beginner-friendly. This works against serious dynamics and character depth, as any details that are included are more likely to be either static and vain or exaggerated as they're brought to the front of the action-oriented plot. Peter Parker's time crushing on Gwen Stacy was inherently limited, as she was simply bridge-bait for the Green Goblin, and much of the romantic confusion between Batman and most of his female villains is to serve as a convenient excuse for the Dark Knight to feel conflicted when it comes time to pull the trigger of justice.

This happens in virtually all popular media, but it's a rampant affliction of comic books. But it can be a fun mental exercise for hypothetically examining characters, or coming up with ridiculous (but not that crazy relative to the genre, really) scenarios you might not ever see in print.

Consider the crew of Serenity. The show did a decent job of showing us moments of casual comraderie, but the creative economy of the movie and short-lived series meant that you didn't get much that wasn't immediately relevant to the plot of the show. There's still a great deal of character realization available, and if we take the relative shallowness of many of Buffy The Vampire Slayer's supporting characters, we don't have reason to expect we ever would have gotten much more. But just supposing a few things based on what fans know and love about the characters, we can fill-in what they might be doing after-hours.

After-hours, Mal does squat-thrusts, wondering how long he'll be able to fit into the tight pants of captaincy and whether Kayleigh has cleaned up her choice in men. Zoe looks up conspiracy-theory sites on the Cortex--she tells herself she doesn't believe in that rubbish, but she wonders if Mal isn't secretly posting as 2Pretty2Theorize on the fluoride-subversion site. Inara spends three hours plucking body hair before bed--beauty is essential to a Companion, and it's also painfully methodical, after all. OCD and minor dermatillomania are the bane of the Guild of Companions.

After-hours, Jayne works on crocheting a pair of mittens to send back home someday, but it's been a six month project and doesn't show signs of wrapping up soon--every time someone walks in on him, he claims it's a gun-cover for Vera. River throws up, keeping her waif-assassin physique, and idly wonders what it would be like to be normal. To find out, she reads Simon's mind, but bores as she recognize that the observer effect prevents empirical certainty to this end. Simon pours over his universal encyclopedia, dashing off notes about Earth-that-was to impress the rest of the crew.

After-hours, Kayleigh poses in front of a hand mirror, experimenting with some lipstick she stole from Inara's shuttle. Book wakes up from night-terrors in a cold sweat, hoping no one heard his angry cries. Wash scans the Cortex shopping catalogs for some plastic ships for the son he hopes to have someday, and he jots ideas for a poem about flying.


Or, for an example from comic books, take "The Ballad of GI Joe":

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

The Avengers That Might Have Been

With the Avengers roster slowly getting fleshed out in the theater, I've been a bit nostalgic. Recollecting the years when Iron Man was unseen on the big screen, and Thor's biggest cinema debut was that mechanic in Adventures in Babysitting. Sure, there was a Captain America movie, and the lousy Ang Lee Hulk movie, but it was quite a dry spell of steaming piles of bad flicks that seemed to indicate that an Avengers movie would never be made.

The bright side, though, is that when there's no decent movie of your favorite character, you're free to imagine that your ideal actor is cast in the role of a hypothetical movie. As better, more impacting films get made and promulgate through society, it's tougher for you not to imagine the real life cast in place of your own. By way of illustration, those of you who read Lord of the Rings before and after the movies were made should think about the difference between readings. Your original vision of Gandalf might have been one thing, but it probably now resembles Ian McKellan. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it describes how your imagination is irreversibly affected by outside influences.

So, here's my reconstruction of what I used to think would be an ideal cast for the Avengers before I saw the first Iron Man movie, along with a word on what I think of the actors actually cast in the Marvel heroes' tights.

Bruce Banner, the Hulk
My Casting: Even though the Hulk movie Eric Bana starred in was terrible, I don't hold that against him. I mean, there's only so much you can do with a movie that has frakkin' picture-in-picture comic frames. But Eric Bana's played a lot of thoughtful, sensitive roles that really lend themselves to portraying the repressed super-geek Bruce Banner, and his action movie resume prove that he knows how to sell those physical moments leading up to a big green special effects rampage.

Actual Casting: This has been a tough one. First I had to swallow that Ed Norton would not be cast in the role I idealized for him (see below). Then, after his great job in Incredible Hulk, I had to admit that he was pitch-perfect for Bruce Banner, and I really wanted to see him reprise the role in The Avengers. Now, we have Mark Ruffalo set to play the doctor, and I have to say I'm skeptical. I was pleasantly surprised once, though, so I'll hold off to see if Marvel can do it again.

Natasha Romanoff, Black Widow

My Casting: Cate Blanchett. Mmmmm, Cate Blanchett. I'm a Lord of the Rings nerd, through and through, and I think Cate Blanchett is the best actor I hadn't heard of a decade ago. She's got poise and commanding grace, as evidenced by her role as Galadriel, but she's also played a number of un-hinged and kinetic roles, too, showing that she could sell the role of the consummate femme fatale. Plus, her voice talent always made me anxious to hear her inflect in a sultry Russian accent.

Mmm, it would've been nice.

And no, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull doesn't count.

Actual Casting: Scarlett Johansson, what to say? She's one of those stars that seems perpetually young and vibrant, so that certainly fits the bill for the ageless superspy. Scarlett certainly had the action down in Iron Man 2, and her combination of playful cruelty and professional distance fits Natasha to a tee. But they didn't have her say one word in a Russian accent.

Unacceptable.

Tony Stark, Iron Man

My Casting: It took me a long time to recall that my original choice to play the terminal tinkerer was Jonathan Frakes. Yes, I know what you're thinking: "isn't it a little cliched for a nerd to invoke William Riker for a role?" "What next, suggesting every bald character be brought to life by Patrick Stewart?" Well, silence, ignorant jackanapes! William Riker's already played Tony Stark, thank you very much. Only they called him David Xanatos, and he built a castle on top of a skyscraper in Manhattan, and his steel suit was in the shape of a gargoyle.

Ah, Gargoyles...

So there. Plus, until 2001 he was probably about the only actor who I could accept wearing facial hair, which is pretty much a requirement for Tony Stark. So it's really a no-brainer, right?

Actual Casting: Casting Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark was an incredibly brilliant move. In the history of casting, I think Viggo Mortensen is the only one who can claim to be more perfectly suited for a role. He embodies the sarcasm, intelligence, and vitality that is intrinsic to Marvel's pillar of science in the pursuit of justice. And, more importantly, he plays the charming scoundrel better than any Corellian space jockey with a slave Wookie prince I've ever seen. Being able to watch him indulge his vices while still trying to improve himself is engaging, fun, and adds another dimension to the hero dynamic of the films.

Steve Rogers, Captain America

My Casting: Ever since I saw Band of Brothers, I thought Neal McDonough would be the perfect Captain America. Built like an industrial tank, with chiseled good looks and piercing blue eyes with bleach blond hair, Neal McDonough is perfectly suited to fill the super-soldier's billet. Though, considering the differences in casting for Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff, it looks like my ideals for these characters are a bit older than the way the studio visualized them. Not to mention that they cast with a vision for the movie franchise over the next decade, requiring them to find cast their protagonists a bit young to ensure they could fit the role over the course of up to nine movies.

The consolation prize in this is that Neal McDonough will still be in Captain America as crack soldier Dum Dum Dugan. Sure, he won't be the Pillar of Democracy, but at least he'll be there, lending his boot to kick in Red Skull's teeth.

Actual Casting: If you only know Chris Evans from his role as the Human Torch in Fantastic Four, you might be dubious as to whether Evans has the depth to play Steve Rogers. But in Sunshine and Cellular, he does a great job of deepening his acting chops and showing he has what it takes to play a legitimately conflicted character struggling with their own inadequacies. After seeing the latest bout of trailers, I'm certain that he'll be a good fit for Captain America, and it looks like they'll be doing a good amount of development on his character before the Super-Soldier process, which is really key to his identity as one of the greatest superheroes of all time.

Hank Pym, Giant-Man

My Casting: From the greatest to the least, Hank Pym is a big fat turd. Depending on the iteration of the comics, Pym is an alcoholic, cheats on his wife, beats her, and ingratiates himself into the superhuman community largely to assuage his own masculinity issues. So I thought of Ed Norton. This isn't a personal thing against the actor, mind you, but ever since I saw the remake of the Italian Job I've permanently linked him to the ultimate compensator: Giant-Man. He can play intelligent, petty, and short-sighted all in one breath, and that's the order of the day for Hank Pym. Needless to say I was disappointed when he was cast as Bruce Banner, if only because he was the strongest association in my mind for the part.

Actual Casting: So far it doesn't look like Giant-Man is going to be in any of the movies, so I'll put forward my runner-up choice: Nathan Fillion. Granted, I want to see him in everything, but I think he has the charisma to play Hank true to form while still making him likable enough that the audience won't be waiting for Captain America to pop him in the mouth for slapping Janet around. And when that does happen, Nathan does the humorous fight scene superbly--as seen in Serenity.

As a side note, it's pretty funny that Giant-Man has yet to be confirmed for any of the movies, since in the early 90s a Giant-Man movie was the favorite Marvel property for film adaptation--even before Spider-Man.

Thor

My Casting: In continuing to keep my Avengers cast a bit older and more mature, Brad Pitt is my choice for Thor. As Achilles, he played the brutal beyond-human warrior with ease and ability, but he also lent the role a sensitive depth that belied the limitations of the character's personal prejudices. Perfect for the Asgardian warrior-prince.

Actual Casting: Chris Hemsworth did a great job, as you can read here, even though there wasn't enough over-wrought language, as exemplified here. Again, they cast him quite young to ensure he'd be able to consistently play the highly physical role. But it sure helped that his brief role in the Star Trek atrocity showed that he could play everything the Marvel universe could throw at him as an actor.

Things That Should Be In Mass Effect 3, But Probably Won't Be (Part One)

(Grammarian disclaimer: Mass Effect makes it a point of saying that their race names are to be considered common and a-political--treated as species common names, and hence kept lower case. Similar to how we keep dog, cat, and human lower-case, they keep quarian, krogan, and asari lower-case as well. The Reapers, being a legendary force that are addressed on mythic terms, are an exception to this rule. This is logical and effective to their message about race identification, but it feels wrong to me when I'm used to writing Terran, Cylon, and Vulcan. Just note that I know it looks funny to have sci-fi jargon and alien names in the declined form and keep in mind it is deliberate.)

I love Mass Effect.

The deep complex that is the setting's background, the gripping and universe-defining conceit, the mores and lessons inherent to its plot, the fascinating skew of its technology, weapons, and ships...just about everything about the story of this sci-fi gem grabs me the right way.

For those of you who don't know, Mass Effect is a science fiction game created by Bioware. The title is a reference to the technology that forms the central conceit of the setting. An ancient alien race that has long been extinct--the protheans--seeded much of the galaxy with 'mass effect' technology and huge monolithic structures. In our solar system, the protheans left behind a cache of technology in a bunker of sorts on Mars. When humanity found it, they began reverse-engineering the incredible piece of non-newtonian tech and followed clues that eventually revealed that Charon (large moon of the shamed former planet Pluto) does not even qualify for NASA's stingy planetoid status anymore: it is actually a massive mass effect relay--a piece of an interstellar network that allows ships to travel to other systems at FTL speeds.

That's faster-than-light, by the way, though faster-than-ludicrous also fits this particular use, since mass relays transfer ships at essentially instantaneous speeds.

Problem is, everybody and their fifty year-old mother has been doing this space-hoarder routine for centuries or more. Humanity quickly bumps into a grumpy alien race called 'turians' that also uses the mass relays and their own reverse engineered tech. The space UN called the Citadel steps in and prevents humanity from getting kacked by the turians--a member of the Citadel races and bound to obey. Additionally, the Citadel likes humanity's chutzpah and soon makes the squishy new guys members of their galactic club.

A few decades later, humanity is wanting to have more sway in galactic affairs, and one human butt-kicker named Shepard becomes the key to those aspirations. Shepard is the player's avatar, so he might be a she, sport wicked battle scars or pink blush, be an old navy brat or be a former space-age street urchin. In accommodating this customization, the characters of Mass Effect don't use Shepard's first name--you assign it yourself, and use it to refer to your particular iteration of the protagonist. My favored Shepard is named Nathan Shepard, has a chiseled jaw, prominent chin, and hawk nose that looks too pretty to die.

Shiny, right?

The series starts with Shepard coming under evaluation for becoming the first human Spectre--the Citadel's black ops. The mission goes FUBAR, and a human colony is wiped out in the process. Oh, and they discover a threat to all known life that forms the central plot of the trilogy, too.

"Problem is, everybody and their fifty year-old mother has been doing this space-hoarder routine for centuries or more."

There's a lot of choice and customization built into the plot of the game, allowing the player to define the title character and his/her interactions with the action and plot of the story. Shepard builds a team of like-minded space-borne A-Team qualifiers, and the relationships with them have become a big link in the franchise' success so far. But it still tells a story of a specific hero, a veteran of the human military of the future, who has tough tasks to accomplish and diabolic decisions to make.

Two major games have been released in the trilogy so far, with the third one lurking in the 2011 holiday marketing nebula. These are complemented by an iPhone game, several novels, and a comic mini-series which have filled out and elaborated on some of the many side-stories that have cropped up in the Mass Effect franchise.

As I eagerly await Mass Effect 3, I have certain expectations of the final installment in the trilogy. Some of these I am certain will be gratefully met--or even exceeded, knowing Bioware. A few of my hopes, however, are almost certain to be dashed, mostly because of the pragmatism of the video game development process. But, mark my words, they would be awesome, and if even one of these were integrated into the game I'd count it as a tremendous asset.

So here's my list of features and hopes for Mass Effect 3, along with my reason for wanting to see it implemented and supposition on why they probably won't see the light of day. This first part of the list are hopes that are more likely, but the rest of the dozen items in the list are probably a lot less likely. Keep in mind that spoilers, while carefully avoided so far, will flow plentifully in the following list's rationale. The spoilers will flow.

I want to kill the frakkin' geth dead.

Why I want it: Of all my hopes on this list, this is the only one that is almost certain to appear in the game, but since there is a chance that it won't happen, I'm including it in this list. The geth, as the machine bastard Cylons of the Mass Effect universe, have been cruisin' for a bruisin' since they attacked Eden Prime. Add to that the fact that wiping out the rogue race of robots would endear the quarians--Tali and Jayne/Kal'Reegar amongst them--I wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger on the flashlight-heads.

(Grammarian side note: I originally wrote this wish as 'I want to frakkin' kill the geth dead', but that contained a split infinitive, which I felt was too serious for the tone of the piece.)

Why I won't get it: For one thing, people are funny about wiping out a race of toasters. For another thing, since Legion was introduced as a party member in Mass Effect 2 and seems likely to return in Mass Effect 3, his presence might outright preclude this option. After all the build-up on the geth threat in ME 2, though, I doubt Bioware is going to leave us hanging. Though I bet if it does appear, we'll only get to kill the geth faction that worships the Reapers, not the heretic geth. I'll take what I can get. Of course, I'm sure this will become a razor choice between wiping out the geth to get the quarians' relatively weak support or helping the geth finish their genocide in order to get the backing of their much more powerful fleet.

I want to see more of the aliens.

Why I want it: I'm not talking about getting more varieties or new aliens. ME 3 is certain to have that anyway. I want to see more of the quarians, turians, salarians, batarians, krogan, drell, volus, and even the elcor. We haven't so much as seen what the females look like of any of these races, and that only makes plot-based sense regarding the krogan, who jealously guard their females and young from outsiders and competing clans. In particular, it would be interesting to see if turian females kept the avian tendency for females to be notably bigger than the males. And who doesn't want to get to see some more highlights of the elcor production of Hamlet? The bottom line, though: if we don't get to see what quarians look like without their environmental suits, I will be very disappointed.

Why I won't get it: Regarding the quarians, I feel so strongly that Bioware must reveal what they look like that it feels inevitable to me. That said, they have reasons to keep Tali and her race's faces hidden. For one thing, if they do so in any detail, revealing what quarians look like beneath their environmental suits will probably require another distinct set of models to be made for the game--probably one of the stingiest resources that developers don't like to invest in for games. This stands in the way of making females of the other races, too--they'd almost certainly require a lot more game models to be made. Secondly, the guys at Bioware are probably leery of making sexual dimorphism for the alien races specifically because it'd be creatively and conceptually intensive. But they should just knuckle down and do it. Finally, when a game's plot has an element of mystique that means the developers have to do less work, you can usually bet that they will cling to that mystique as long as possible.

I want to fight against some hanar.

Why I want it: In Mass Effect 2, fibrosis-faced bad-attitude-mercenary Zaeed liked to regale the player with stories of his past exploits, one of which included a story of him nearly getting strangled to death by a hanar--the non-first-person-pronoun-using jellyfish hipppies of the game, who worship the protheans. Hearing the gravel-voiced merc intone about how the gorram jelly strangled him half to death, I wanted to have to fight one. Tack onto that teaser the fact that the hanar dogmatically worship the protheans as the enkindlers of their race--who are revealed in Mass Effect 2 to have been repurposed as slaves of the Reapers--it stands to reason that many of the zealots of the hanar faith will voluntarily fight alongside the Reapers in order to follow the protheans' example. And it would be so cool to have these hovering jellyfish come screaming down the hall at you, droning, "This one will honor the Enkindlers by killing you," and firing a half dozen pistols at you, then going for squiddy strangle-tactics when he gets into cephalopod-range.

Why I won't get it: Here's a little clue-in to computer rendering. An animated model begins with keyframes and a skeleton, which is a series of simple rigid segments around which the mesh moves. The mesh is a simple armature of polygons wrapped around the skeleton like the wire basis of a paper mache sculpture. The mesh would look simplistic and ugly by itself, though, so there's a high-quality picture called a skin that wraps around the mesh like strips of paper. Game companies make different 3d characters by making the most superficial changes possible. If you look at two characters in a game, the most likely difference is just a skin change. If the character is meant to be that important or unique, it might have a different mesh--which also necessitates a different skin. But making a different skeleton means the keyframes, mesh, and skin have to be changed as well. That's why almost all game segments only have one set of skeletons--one set of keyframes--upon which all their characters are built. Hanar don't have anything resembling a skeleton, let alone a human skeleton. To animate them in the game would be an intensive process, which is why the games haven't depicted anything but a strictly stationary hanar yet. This one is very doubtful, but this one still wants it. At the very least, they should reference how some hanar are willingly helping the Reapers, even if we don't get to see it.

Movie Web Monday: Neal McDonough

Movie Web Monday: Each week, I'll look at a specific actor's roles across three good movies. The third movie will in turn tie into the first movie of the next week's actor, whose third movie will continue the pattern. I will go through actors and movies at this rate, with the following limitations in mind: every movie(or television show) invoked will be one I either own, or wish to own; no movie or actor will be invoked twice. So sit back and enjoy as you fall into the nerdery's movie web. (Oh, and I'll try to keep spoilers to a minimum, telling you just enough to know if you'll enjoy the movie)

Neal McDonough: Dreamy McSteamy

Mini-Series: Band of Brothers (Own it)

As I mentioned last time, one of Band of Brothers' great, weighty qualities is the way we get under-whelming or glossed-over introductions to characters that later become the focus of one or more episodes and make lasting impressions with the audience. Neal McDonough's character, Buck Compton, follows this pattern. When he is introduced, he is there playing off of the outstanding ethics of Richard Winters, played by Damian Lewis. He lounges in the jeep's passenger seat and makes half-assed defenses of gambling with his subordinates while Winters reads him the riot act and finishes with an unassailable ethical gem for military leadership. The audience comes away from the scene respecting Winters more and wondering how worthwhile this Lieutenant Compton will actually be. So far we just know that he likes a'gamblin' and that he has dreamy eyes and a GI Joe voice.

Yeah...

But, true to form, Band of Brothers gives Neal the opportunity to step up to the plate, and we get to see that Buck Compton is not only a reliable and charismatic character but also one of the most dynamic in the series. We see that Buck, in addition to being recognized as a valiant and capable military leader, is one of the most personable of the Easy Company officers, mingling and making firm friendships with non-commissioned officers and enlisted men. This defines his tragic gravity later on in the series, where we begin to see Compton become a bit frayed as the constant loss and suffering of his friends wears on him. He tries to play this perceived sentiment off, but his psychological aches come through in his humor in Bastogne when he threatens some of his men to be safe:

Neal McDonough delivers the line with a forced sort of familiarity that any guy can recognize as being deeply anguished machismo. It's poignant and effective, and--like so much in Band of Brothers--over far too soon.

Movie: Tin Man (Own it) Light spoilers below.

Tin Man was an alleged sci-fi mini-series that was inspired by The Wizard of Oz. As the titular character, Neal McDonough plays Wyatt Cain--a 'tin man', or former law enforcer in the "OZ". Cain stands dead center of many of the fairy tale's changes and updates. Rather than playing one of America's first bionic men, Cain is a hard-bitten hero whose heartless state is an expression of grief over losing his queen, his post, and his family to the witch Azkadellia rather than the tough-nuts result of trusting a tin-smith with your full-body prosthesis. As a rogue hero in a corrupted world, Cain is responsible for supplying a lot of energy to the series. Like the original story, the Tin Man is the guy to go to for protection from the freaks of Oz, only Cain packs a revolver instead of an axe. Also parallel to the original, the protagonist DG is very reactive and doesn't drive the plot so much as ride it. Cain, in showing the personal suffering those beneath Azkadellia endure, helps to inspire and unify the group as they take on a sort of a revolutionary path to defeat her.

Tin Man is a bit of a rough mini-series, though it is far from the worst made by the Sci-Fi Channel. Like the other adaptations of the story, it is forced to cover a lot of ground without feeling rich or populous for doing so. That said, the creative twist of having the Tin Man being an ex-lawman anti-hero is capably done and forms one of the highlights of the show for me. Neal McDonough embodies the man who is emotionally unreachable now because of how easily it was used against him in the past, and that quality beams when he meets his son whom he thought he'd lost years prior. His personal vendetta against Zero, the witch's goon who beat him and made him watch as his family was attacked, smolders in a few well-portrayed-but-understated moments:

Neal McDonough, having played a mix of white and black hats in the past, walks the dichotomy of the Tin Man Wyatt Cain well. And as one of the only characters who keeps the action kinetic and physical, he thoroughly deserves the title credit for Tin Man.

(Yes, I know the Sci-Fi Channel is now SyFy, but I'm not calling it that. It sounds like something you'd contract in a high-security prison.)

Movie: Timeline (Own it, though it's frakking missing in action) Light spoilers below.

Timeline is by far the best Michael Crichton movie that isn't the first Jurassic Park movie*. Or The Thirteenth Warrior. And though it doesn't have the initial wonderment of scientific discovery of Jurassic Park or the glut of medieval culture of The Thirteenth Warrior, it deserves to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them and is populated by a cast that is equivalently solid compared to either film.

As Frank Gordon, once more Neal McDonough plays a role that begins on a surface level and creeps into more depth as the film proceeds. Frank is an employee of ITC Corp., and in his introduction he comes off as a friendly accomplice to the company's cover-up. When he and the protagonists start to get ready for their trip back in time, he uses the extra screen time to ingratiate himself as a somewhat diplomatic, thoughtful guy. This is evident in his carefully worded reluctance to accept the assignment:

Considering that he's thinking of being violently and painfully torn through a wormhole to go to a primitive war-zone where a time-lorn disgruntled employee murderously lies in wait, it's quite polite, really. He doesn't raise his voice or give hasty orders to anyone until the group is trapped and in danger in medieval France, and that's when Neal McDonough shines as he plays the complete gradient of the nice guy turning out to be a self-serving coward who dies pleading for his life. Michael Crichton stories generally feature a panoply of antagonists, with several flavors of douche-baggery available for all, and Frank Gordon is a key element of Timeline's palette. He falls alongside the bitterly-unhinged killer Decker as small players acting on behalf of greater villains in a story that has lying, murdering nobles calling the shots in both time periods.

*Despite its lack of gorilla-killing lasers wielded by Laura Linney, I've got to say I enjoy it more than Congo.

Movie Web Monday will continue next week with a new actor, picking up with some other prolific player from the last movie listed above.

(Belated) Memorial Day at the Nerdery

This is a bit late, obviously. The beloved spawn is to thank, as he decided to throw a ship-fit like none other to inaugurate his first Memorial Day. To get the authentic feel for the creative cauldron that crafted this article, put the nearest piglet in a hot bath and occasionally stick a table fan up to your ear. That will approach the level of painful distraction the drooling dear fostered for my day off.

It's Memorial Day today, a United States holiday dating back to 1865, when freedmen decorated the graves of Union soldiers. Throughout the rest of the 19th century and into the 20th, Decoration Day was a time to specifically honor the sacrifices of Union soldiers who fought and died in the Civil War. After World War I, it became a time for Americans to commemorate all their fallen soldiers, and the term Memorial Day became more and more prevalent. In the 1960s, Congressional bills formalized the holiday's title as Memorial Day, and established it as the last Monday of every May.

So now you're here on a three day weekend, reading a blog. Maybe you watched a parade today, listened to a ceremony, and are having a barbecue. The kids are running around, playing in some of the first hot, sunny weather the midwest has seen this year. Dogs are getting disproportionate amounts of exercise today, and the chittering robins are back on your porch, flitting around from branch to deck to feeder in their ever-bobbing daily routine. Routine. It's a summer holiday--the summer holiday, really--ushering in warm weather and that comfortable summertime pace of life when you saunter from one air-conditioned environment to another before dipping into a pool or breathing in some affirming grill smoke.

And where are the decorations on the graves of soldiers? What are you remembering today? Did you wake up and think of the sacrifices of others today, or did you rush to get that chicken marinade started?

I'm a firm believer in the power of entertainment. What we enjoy in our leisure time, and why, informs the choices we make, the mental habits we feed, and the lives we lead. Being a nerd isn't just a vapid way to spend disposable income and fill free time. It's about exciting the mind and the heart in a youthful, exuberant way that ultimately uplifts and edifies. So today I have a selection of nerd-approved media--games, books, and movies--to help jog your Memorial Day into something more than the first barbecue of the summer.

Some of these pieces of entertainment will doubtless seem trivial, almost crassly so, compared to the others. They are not selected on equal footing, either by appropriateness to my purpose or by overall merit. Instead, they are selected as a cross-section of media that can all be used to help stir your thoughts towards the true purpose of today. Every nerd should be intimately familiar with at least a couple of these, but everyone--nerd or not--should be able to read and appreciate the import of at least one item on this list. They aren't necessarily cerebrally concerned with sacrifice or Memorial Day itself, but they all lend themselves quite well to introspection on this day of remembrance.

Ken Burns: The Civil War (documentary mini-series)

Since 1990, Kens Burns' nine part series on the Civil War has dominated the subject, and for good reason. Presented with a deliberate pace, evocative sound and visuals, it takes viewers through the five years of the war with a careful attention to the personalities of both the famous figures who defined history and the average men and women who made history. In its constant wealth of quotes, journal entries, and memoirs from Americans throughout the war, few documentaries do such a great job of making history and the sacrifices of our forebears real.

Memoir 44 (board game)
Few board games are both so accessible and so historically concerned as Memoir 44. A board game by Days of Wonder, the makers of the family classic Ticket To Ride, Memoir 44 is a wargame that recreates the seminal battles of World War II. Each scenario for the game starts with a paragraph or two of description of the historical setting, which frames each game in concrete terms that helps to bring the key moments of the war to life. The rules are extremely intuitive and straight-forward, allowing kids as young as 8 to play, and games rarely last more than an hour and are frequently much shorter. These two factors mean that Memoir 44 can not only be a keystone family night game, but it can easily serve as a valuable illustration to children when they are first learning about World War II. And for the rest of us, it's a vibrant reminder of the moments that laid the groundwork for our modern era, which we forget all too often.

Captain America (comic book series)
The origin story of Captain America, both as a character and as a comic, is a story of enduring patriotism. Created by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby a full year before the United States of America entered the war, their comic was met with a mixed response at first. Depicting a staunchly political, war-oriented plot, the comic predicted America getting pulled into the war a year before Pearl Harbor, and anti-war groups sent the pair hate mail and threats for it. Time and events proved them right, though, and Captain America became one of the most popular superheroes of all time. But beyond being another story of a guy in tights, Captain America is--and always has been--about personal endurance in doing what is right, a symbol of the generation that created him and the soldiers he leads in the comics' plots.

Halo (video game series)
The Halo video game series is about the personal sacrifices of soldiers. It gets overlooked in the vanity of the FPS(first-person shooter) genre and the spectacle of the science-fiction settings, but its story is a tribute to the sacrifices of soldiers throughout history. The main character is a class of soldier that invokes the Spartans of Thermopylae, the Fall of Reach parallels the Battle of the Alamo, and the celebrity of the main character evokes a general patriotism in humanity that smacks of Captain America himself. The games Halo 3, Halo: ODST, and Halo: Reach in particular all feature narratives that give sensitive honor to these themes, and the novels (especially those by Eric Nylund) elaborate on them by emphasizing the personal grotesqueries the Spartans have endured and the casual apathy they receive from the people they regularly protect.


Red Dawn (movie, soon to be remade. Spoiler alert)
This soon-to-be-remade classic from 1984 is literally a memorial movie. Virtually all the movie's protagonists die over the course of the movie, not all nobly, but the determination and gung-ho violence of the movie is just sensitive enough to make the film's ending shot of the monument to the resistance resonate on a real, gripping level. Considering it is an 80s commie-killing action movie, I am actually surprised that John Milius exhibited the restraint he did in making such a dramatically even-handed film, relatively speaking.

The Things They Carried (book)
Tim O'Brien's book The Things They Carried is a life-changing, heart-rending book. A series of short stories about 'fictional real events', the book is a series of endearing, disgusting contradictions that help to illustrate but not explain the trials and depth of personal loss those who served during Vietnam endured. It's a tough book to get through, like so many truly great stories, but the emotional fatigue I felt when I put the book down is priceless. There's a vague sense of enlightenment that comes from reading this book that always puts me in mind that this is what Memorial Day should always and ever entail.


These aren't substitutes--or even progenitors--of patriotism, pride, or anything like it. These are examples of how the things we nerds love and revel in have the capstones for introspection of all we owe to those who died for our security and freedoms--in times past and time yet to come.

Thor, god of thunder, on the movie Thor

As mentioned previously, here is the lightning-bearing god's impression of his namesake movie, Thor. But beware, the keen-eyed god of butt-kickery does not obey the laws of mortal spoilers! Read at your own peril.

Behold, mortals! I have descended into yon realm of puny mortal-yet-immortal whiners, which has been whimsically dubbed 'the net', in order to intone on my latest exploit turned into cinematic theatre. Mayhap, this spring day might also have been the annual remembrance of my coupling with golden-haired wife Sif, and as a trip to the blasted, shrill, and petty world of men is vastly superior to dining by tallow light or appraising tapestries for our hall, I will recount this tale as a mighty victory at the hands of Thor and mighty Mjollnir! Never has either been bested--nor will be bested--by fair conjugal partner, though perchance she may be under such impression purely by my own guile. Ha! A cleverer god never did smite the heavens with his irrepressible hammer!

But lest ye should say I tarry away from the tale of my victory for too long, let it proceed hence, and be fairly noted that certain mortal eyes--with young infant clutched to bosom, would see the film hence:

Pity the poor, be-parented fools, who must view my glory from an awkward and intimate angle in order to more easily excuse themselves from the theatre at the babe's mewling cries! Pity them, I say!

Of the moving film I do first note a gross inaccuracy: Thor-Odinson, master of all martial challenges, is red-haired as the bloodied fields of Jotunheim. I daresay I do not hold it against playsmiths Branagh or Stracynski--nay, they are bound by an ignorant audience to misrepresent the mighty, far-ranging god of storms. I judge not them, but the race of soft-minded mortals who force their craft to such gross inaccuracies. Fear the day the thunder-god will reckon against you for your complicity in this crime against the all-father's Asgardian son!

In similar vein I note this bloody clot: that the rightly sprightly and stalwart Sif was also misrepresented in the color of her tresses, which were cast in a base dun hue. I would bemoan this injustice to my mistress more greatly, but verily I know that such decision was made to make Natalie Portman a fairer fixation for Thor Hopkinson--for justly shall I name him after the cinematic sire's casting as the Lector-performer--as maiden Portman could ne'er pull off the golden mane of my beloved, and thus throw an Asgardian spanner into the cogs of the plot and the mortal infatuation Hopkinson must inevitably portray. Compounding these sins, all Asgard is cast in metallic, organic shapes that appear a most brilliant aspect fit for the fiction of science. That the glorious heavenly leathers of my people or the noble yew-constructed homes of Asgard should be so spurned fills me with double portions of shame, and rightly I shall put my weight behind updating the vestments and domiciles of the Aesir quickly upon my return. Verily I want Hopkinson's costume to bedeck my fierce physique.

Further I did note this: the golden-haired facsimile of my divine self did fairly represent the bragging beater of beasts in the first act of his performance. As his fury drove him, mightily did he storm the frozen fortress of the frost giants and lay their most powerful foes low and cast them heartily down to Helheim. Woe betide the audience, though, as Thor-Hopkinson did hence lose his powers and his mettle proved fit for mockery. Mockery on the noble head of Thor, however dimly represented!

"Verily I want Hopkinson's costume

to bedeck my fierce physique."

Consider: depowered and confused by the effrontery of the stun-gun-wielding Kat Dennings, Thor Star Trek-borne awoke in a lowly hospital. Mightily enraged, the prince of Asgard did begin to beat a ruin upon the impudent medical staff, who set upon him with interns heavy numbering five and three. Scarce did he begin to lay into them, and taunt their feeble efforts against his martial magnificence, when the smallest of the apothecaries did unceremoniously insert a needle into Thor Hopkinson's Asgardian arse. Ignominy most foul! That bit of story-telling detail will indeed be held against playsmith Branagh when he seeks entry into my hallowed halls!

And truly, I was ne'er so compelled to feel base sympathy for the fiend Loki as I did while watching this film dance before my cloud-piercing eyes. Nobly acted and deeply portrayed, he did right align all his trickery beside a twisted-yet-esteemable excuse, though mayhaps I rightly do think he need be portrayed ever more sinister in succeeding films--which will follow with all the certainty of Ragnarok itself. If playsmith Branagh were to enlist my advice, Loki's return would be made all the more loathsome if he were to have his portentous split lips, given to him by the sons of Ivaldi. Naught be so fearsome and dreadful as a villain who proudly bears the scars of his own duplicity, and so shall be the base Loki in the Odinson's sequel to this quickened film.

Though chastened by the demands of plot progression, Thor Odinson did indeed want to see Clint Barton strike at Thor Hopkinson from high fastness. Fair may it be said that an unaware and unarmed Thor movie-borne would have been easy fodder for the greatest of all snipe-slayers(take that and writhe in ignominy, over-blown and ridiculous Mark Wahlberg vehicle--the innocuously-titled Shooter which would have done well to be dubbed Shudder). But, should the sharp-eyed bolt-thrower fail to fell the fair-haired Hopkinson, oh what a great duel would ensue! Verily would Hopkinson have to struggle through a hail of arrows, his body buffeted by bodkins as the soaked contest between heroes would end with a bloody beating the likes of which might fit the fighting ferocity of Sean Bean's last stand as the Prince of the White Tower. Greatly did I chortle as stout Clint appeared, but mightily would the thunder-wielder have laughed to see the champions clash.

As path-stones in the road, of course the heroes dubbed the Avengers will fight in their assembled glory. And when Hopkinson takes to the field of world-shattering conflict, I deem it meet that he should fly in the most epic of aerial battles. Stark the heart-perforated will fly around the sky in an aerobatic display, hurling flechettes and ranged-short bursts of plasma at the enemy, whilst Thor Hopkinson will grapple in mid-air brawling capable of crushing any krav maga master in a lightning-suffused attack attributed only to Aesir-combat! Oh, fair shall the sun shine on the day of release for The Avengers!

Speak I simply, that the simple mortals who read this stitch in the net might read and be edified by Thor's words, no less mighty than his hammer! Break, lightning! Roar, thunder! See the film that bears my name! Thor Odinson: Aesir-lord, the terrible, the one who rides alone, the loud rider, and protector of the shrine.

Get thee to a theatre hence, and see Thor!