A Pregnant Pause in the Blog Sprint

Man, I take a week off and quite a lot of things happen. We had CliffyB proving he's the popped collar of the gaming industry, E3, more dismal Xbox One news followed by a surprise reversal, a couple of interesting new Kickstarter projects, and Free RPG Day this past week. Now, since I'm a little behind, I'm going to try to cover all these things briefly in one post, so I won't forget to mention them.

On the running Xbox One debacle, there's some mixed news. Specifically, on the questions of DRM, Xbox had been looking more and more arrogant and defensive. Enter E3 and Angry Joe, from the Angry Joe Show.

If you check out Angry Joe's (remarkably diplomatic with a low cuss-count) interview with Larry Hryb (Xbox's Major Nelson), you get a real good view of the sarcastic, patronizing, and disrespectful way Xbox is handling the concerns of consumers:

"Xbox One is the future. Do you want to come with me to the future?"

"I'm not a lawyer--are you a lawyer?"

"You're not on the development team, are you?"

And so forth in response to Joe's questions on the key concerns of the Xbox One's DRM policies. It's really worrisome, and the fact that convivial Major Nelson is shilling so hard for Xbox that he becomes this abrasive makes it all the more shocking to me. I mean, Angry Joe may be known for curse-filled rants and ripping apart bad games, but I think he's a teddy bear overall, and he's surprisingly forgiving of a lot of video games and their companies (I really think he drank Bioware's Kool-Aid on the Mass Effect 3 "extended ending"), and his interviews are really polite and respectful. Even when he's asking hard questions like he did of Major Nelson. Plus, Joe hasn't even gotten around to the really big implications of the Xbox plan. They are:

1) Microsoft's goal is to price control the console game market through trust-like activity between Xbox and game publishers. If Microsoft can make consumers swallow their DRM pill and anti-ownership assault on consumers, then age will be the only practical factor in determining the cost of a game. As it is, when a AAA game tanks, second-hand retailers get a surplus of returns that drive down not only the cost of used games but the new products as well. If they can cut out that consumer-based check on game quality, then Microsoft and Developers could form a closed loop for pricing their games so that you'd never be able to find a good deal for a game, no matter how bad it is. Heck, if price control wasn't the point of this policy, it'd be pretty silly of Microsoft to invest in developing their own re-vamped digital distribution system when they could've saved a lot of money by porting other services like Desura or Steam to their box. But by keeping it all in their hands, they control the prices of their games, and the only reason to lower prices would be to stay competitive with Sony and Nintendo. Maybe.

2) The daily check-in policy, while trumped up as an anti-piracy measure, is almost certainly a method to farm customer usage information. Let's just think about this for a second--there are a lot of ways to accomplish what Xbox claims to be trying to do: combat piracy through online verification. A daily online check-in is not necessary. Most simply, you could make it where installing a game from the disc itself requires an online handshake that flags that game as the 'active' version of the game, and deactivate any other installs from that game CD. So why have the daily online policy? To upload a cache of your Xbox's activity. Now, I'm not talking about some conspiracy theory where Xbox is interested in stealing your identity or anything, but the Xbox's TV and game-playing activity for millions of users would be tremendously valuable marketing demographics they could easily sell to advertisers, publishers, whoever. And don't bet the farm that Xbox would ever pass those new profits on to consumers through cheaper prices.


Then the heavens lifted and Microsoft's collective voice boomed from their emerald fortress: they would reverse their DRM and online policies, including their region lock, apparently. First of all, let that be a lesson to all you corporate apologists out there: us entitled raging nerds can make a difference. Maybe. Personally, I think it's just as likely that Microsoft backed down through a combination of investor pressure and the dire predictions of lawyers that they were going to get caught with their briefs down.

More importantly, however, look at Larry Hryb's comments, quoted above, just one week before the whole company reversed course. Granted he's a paid cheer-leader for Microsoft, but that kind of arrogance behind the project doesn't just go away. The certainty that these draconian measures are the "future of gaming" doesn't just go away. And the dishonest implication that this would be a difficult policy to reverse hints at a more insidious truth: if Microsoft decides that it's worth it, after the bad PR dies down and the first few waves of Xbox Ones have been purchased, to try to quietly reinstitute these or similar measures on a captive audience, they'll try. The way they're pulling back their vaunted Family Sharing Plan--which was generating some excited buzz--smacks of a bargaining chip to give customers when the other shoe drops.

And if you need anymore reason to retroactively hate Microsoft for what they almost did or might try to do again, here's some chaw in your maw: Cliff Bleszinski, the popped collar of the gaming industry, jumped in to defend Microsoft's plan to prune-squeeze gamers. CliffyB, as the wannabe Situation is known, is the creative "mind" behind the Gears of War franchise, and he recently stepped down from Epic Games to basically not shut up about his stupid cult-of-the-game-developer ideals. Now that Microsoft has about-faced despite his eloquent erroneous defense of their plans, he's sounding off that these developments will be bad for the industry and the consumer, predicting: "More studios WILL close and you'll see more PC and mobile games" Dun-dun-DUN!!! Wow, Cliffy, thanks for that realization, and thanks for trying to pin long-standing consumer patterns on consumers' reactions from last week. Cliff Bleszinski: don't be that guy. Also, don't be on the same issue as him. And if you're in the same region as him, check out the real estate market elsewhere.




Kickstart: Fanciful Bloodsport, Musical Mystics, & Frigid Freaks

Fairytale Games

What it is: Fairytale Games is a character-based card game of survival, exploration, and battles to the death. Set in a world run by the evil trinity of the Dark Queen, the Queen of Hearts, and the Snow Queen, the three tyrants secure their rule by persecuting any upstarts, especially those associated with the Enchanted Forest. Their method of persecution? A public bloodsport set in the wilderness of their kingdoms, pitting all sorts of classic fairytale figures like the Beast, Red Riding Hood, Alice, Pinocchio and 36 more in a Hunger Games sort of scenario.

Why it's exciting: The game promises to be a unique take on a lot of familiar figures, turning Pinocchio, for instance, into a tortured sort of Frankenstein's monster, and making the damsels into hardened survivalists that would make the originators of these violent fairytales proud (because most of the original fairytales are way more violent than Disney's sterilized versions). The mechanics involve laying out cards in a freely expanding grid as you explore the world, recruiting or killing off other survivors, finishing quests, and gaining items. And since it promises to support 1 to 10 players it is a rare game indeed that both features solo play and stabbing up to 9 buddies in the back in the course of one game. Very fun. They're nearly funded, and the stretch goals will potentially unlock a huge number of extra cards for backers--including a zombie version, or miniatures at the very highest stretch goal. I'm not a huge card gamer, but this set looks more like a dynamic battle game than a shuffle-fest, so I'm already in on it.



Anthymn

What it is: Anthymn is a typical Massively Multiplayer Online Role-playing Game (MMORPG), where players take on the roles of heroes in a fantasy land in the midst of turmoil. Except all the players are mages in this game. And all magic is tied to music. So spells are actually uniquely composed tunes, and battles are actually special effects duels of music and fire. Players choose a faction based not only on gameplay style, but on musical play style--picking from classical, electronic, tribal, or other styles that have a specific look, culture, and magical power associated with them.

Why it's exciting: This Kickstarter campaign is not looking healthy. With less than two weeks to go, they are at less than $30,000 of their $600,000 goal. Which is a real shame, as this game shows a lot more imagination and guile than almost any other game being crowdfunded right now--they promise a rich, dynamic, player-created soundscape where players trade and teach others their battle-songs, and the core mechanics of the game sound like they will educate people on the basics of musical theory. Even if you aren't going to back this project, you should really consider spreading the word so they have good exposure and support should the worst happen. But seriously, back this. Where else can you be this frakkin' cool playing a trumpet? (Four years of band camp will tell you: nowhere--unless you count that football game where you finished half-time with the Braveheart speech and a trumpet blast)

Frozen State

What it is: Take a bunch of Russians in a necessarily wintry setting, add in some critters from John Carpenter's The Thing, throw in a global apocalypse and old school Fallout-style gameplay, and you have Frozen State, the best thing to come out of Moscow since Sean Connery. Created by Snow Arc, the computer game features an older style of RPG campaign, where you pick one of three preset characters and run them through an RPG where you battle the elements in addition to hostile survivors and things-with-too-many-mouths/limbs/bumpy-bits. The game will involve a non-linear campaign where seeking out resources and loot in devastated Siberia is a constant lure.

Why it's exciting: I really like the wintry setting, and the fact that survival will be a central element is cool. They're talking about making a meaningful day/night cycle where going out at night is dangerous due to weather and the creatures drawn out by darkness, which sounds atmospheric and crunchy. I haven't pulled the trigger on this one yet, though, as its funding is in British Pounds, and I've yet to back a pounds-based project. But with all the cool goodies they've got and the fact they're shooting for a Windows/Mac/Linux release, this might be the time to do it.



Free RPG Day

Last Saturday was Free RPG Day 2013. An annual observance since 2007, it's a chance for RPG publishers and retailers to team up to give players free demos, supplements, and teasers of their games in an effort to spread awareness of their games and promote the hobby in general. This year Pathfinder, Battletech, Star Wars, Cosmic Patrol, and more all got their free on at your Friendly Local Game Shop (FLGS). Make sure to keep an eye out for freebies next year, and support your FLGS. It's a great way to browse other systems and maybe add a few new games to your hit-list.




So what have I been doing while all this stuff was going down?

Getting daddied up.

Again.

Once more my irresistible procrastinator genes have so infected my offspring that my son cruised past his due date. So once more we got to schedule our son's birthday, essentially, by going in to the hospital to get induced. Man, you do not sleep well once your pregnant wife gets to her due date. Throughout the later stages of the pregnancy you start to look at her like a damp, full grocery bag--any sudden movement could tear out her bottom and wreck a whole lot of perishables. But once you hit that final week to deadline and go past it, things take on new severity. Like when Sylvester the Cat drinks the nitroglycerine in the old 1940s cartoon, every movement is sudden death. Needless to say, it's hard to sleep in that kind of environment. (And adding a second boy under 3 years old to our household probably won't help!)

Then, the next day, you go through a weirdly calm morning of getting things ready, shipping the kid off to the grandparents, and then try to have a nice brunch before going in to the hospital for the scheduled horror show. Few things in life are quite so unpleasant as trying to eat with a woman who's pregnant with a child other than their first. Something about that first birth and the 20 or so hospital staff touring her monstrous hoo-hah gives a woman the impression that everyone wants to hear about what's going on with their sensitives forever. For at least one year per kid, everything is mucous, membranes, and fluids, and any time you try to gracefully bow out of the all-access experience, you're instead rewarded with an eye and earful of something you'd rather believe was only the province of R-rated movies. There is no escape.

The build up is kind of mesmerizingly complex, but also tediously long, and you don't really feel like much of what's happening relates to what's about to occur. The little lady is thrown into a flattering hospital ensemble, hooked up to machines, and set on display in the middle of a sci-fi creche. It's like the Disney Alien Encounter, except the lights are on, nothing is sanitary, and the grotesque monstrosity in the middle of the room is the one doing most of the screaming.

And the main event--whew. First, there's a whole lot of doctors and nurses taking the Livingston tour of your baby's den, and then when he comes out, you're suddenly surprised that your huge wife was able to hold, feed, and pass the little Roswell alien. It's like Mary Poppins' hand-bag, except when it starts, everything improbable is going in, and then when something comes out it's totally different--though no less improbable.

So that's been my week. That, and spending the past week fending my two year-old away from the fascinating newborn. On the hospital ride home, he calmly tried to convince us that the new addition would be more comfortable back in mom's belly. But since she nixed that plan, he's stuck with a little brother. Poor guy.

Child Cancer Patients Given 'Supercure'

(Disclaimer: supercure might be advertising and/or chemotherapy)

Stolen from the Editor's Desk: There are a lot of opinion columns, write-in articles, and advice editorials in the greater medium of the written word. Virtually none of these advisors are particularly qualified, either. There's nothing to stop them from giving bad advice. Except me. Stolen from the Editor's Desk involves me taking some sort of advice column and tearing it a new one, all for your sake. Bad advice, meet the nerdery.

This "Stolen from the Editor's Desk" is a bit of a stretch, since this is in response to a proper news article. But at the same time it's well within the spirit of the series, so forgive the slight stretch in categorization.

A children's cancer center in Sao Paolo, Brazil is taking a novel approach to helping kids cope with chemotherapy. The hospital staff is telling their young patients they're getting a "superformula" and emblazoning their chemotherapy supplies with Justice League character symbols.

Warner Brothers' team-up with the Brazilian cancer center goes further than that. They're kitting out rooms of the hospital as superhero game-rooms with comic book decorations. Furthermore, they're penning a series of special comic book issues in which DC's title characters get cancer (or some similar ailment) and then go through their own version of chemotherapy, after which they promptly return to full crime-fighting health.

Now, one of the key problems with treating long-term patients is morale. There is a measurable correlation between optimism and recovery outlook. That's why hospitals all over the world engage in different programs designed to cheer up their patients--whether it's individual volunteers or organizations like the Make-A-Wish foundation. For children fighting cancer, they have to cope with invasive, painful testing and medical treatment as part of chemotherapy, so for them maintaining a hopeful and determined perspective is especially important. I get that.

But how do you treat those children in order to give them hope?

Do you make them as comfortable as possible and try to equip them to deal with any outcome? Or do you tell them that if they cooperate and do the right thing, well...look how easy it was for Batman? It seems to me like there are better ways to make kids have fun with the process--why not give kids the opportunity to customize their chemotherapy kits, rather than giving them commercially-produced kits that bear the promise of a brand.

And it's not like these superheroes are necessarily meaningful to the kids getting them. What if a kid asks for Captain America? Sorry, have Green Lantern--he's kind of a supersoldier. What's that little girl? Want a heroine who's not laden with a history of bondage imagery to encourage you to get better? How about Wonder Woman? Because all they have is the Justice League represented.

Which leads into the creepiest thing about this scenario: this is a commercial deal (however charitable) between a company and a cancer center. It boils down to placing advertising in a place of healing for children that are not only suffering, but are more likely to be the focus of news reports regarding their condition. I imagine the cancer center probably opted for this deal out of a chance to get a free or cheap way to meet their patients' needs, and that's admirable. But isn't it telling that this news is an international story so quickly? And what's even more damning, in my opinion, is that the attached video announcing this deal is in English, and the Portuguese version of the video was posted almost a week later. That's right, the version most likely to be viewed around the world was made first, and only six days later did they post a version in the national language of Brazil itself. And who's producing these Youtube videos in question? JWT, the fourth-largest advertising agency in the world. This is a transaction as much as it is a proper act of charity.

I'd like for this to be a Marvel vs DC issue, I really would. Not because I enjoy kicking DC when they're down--though sometimes I do--but because this is more an issue of the way these high-profile medical facilities' decisions get treated. Like when Penny Arcade strong-armed their Child's Play charity to reject donations from "Retake Mass Effect" because he disagreed with their message about a video game.

I don't know, maybe this should be a Don't Be That Guy article. Don't use sick kids as marketing gimmicks.

Don't Be That Guy: Microsoft Building Bridges

Oh no, they're doing that other thing.

Microsoft has probably been one of the most talked about nerd topics over the past 48 hours. With its announcement yesterday for a next generation gaming console called "Xbox One", the much beloved company has injected the intersphere with healthy debate and carefully-worded critiques.

Now before I get into it, let me stress a few things. First of all, this is all a confusing mess of rumor, opinion, and spin. But Microsoft has been building up to this conference for months, and the fact that they gave such a poor showing (few really exciting game announcements and then horrible spin on policy issues they should have anticipated) makes you wonder what they were doing with the extra delay. Secondly, things might not be as bad as they seem right now, and--much more likely, considering how bad a bath Microsoft is taking over this--it is possible some or all of these problems might be addressed before the system's release.

So Microsoft's big reveal of Xbox One. Terrible name. Let's just get that out of the way. Xbox is the console brand, so when referring to the three generations of console, we're supposed to call them what? Xbox original, Xbox360, and Xbox One? That sounds dumb and not at all like a progression. The conference focused on non-gaming assets for the console, including an exclusive NFL partnership, interactive TV, and a Spielberg-produced Halo live action series exclusive to box users. That's pretty darn cool. But they showed virtually nothing exciting on the game side and only offered a vague promise for fifteen exclusive year one titles, eight of which will be new franchises.

Greeeeeat. Anyone thinking we're going to get at least three or four Gun Valkyrie? Decent games with wasted potential that will never be realized due to lukewarm sales, at best. Plus, with previous generations, each system had 15-20 games at launch, so having only 15 exclusives lined up for the first year is kind of weak if you figure than half of them are probably shooting for system launch releases. Especially when you figure in that the first year of a console's life is the best time to get exclusive titles on it. The longer a system is out, the more its age becomes a liability, and the more likely it is that developers would rather cross-platform.

Anyways, there's a degree to which we're all left waiting the next two and a half weeks before the gaming side of things is cleared up, but there are four steamy loads that have dropped this week, and they're creating most of the buzz around Microsoft and the Xbox One.

1. Always On

Microsoft is a bunch of lying liars who lie. First they confirm that there's no "always online" requirement to play games on the Xbox One, but then they turn around and say a connection is required ("daily" is the latest iteration) as part of handshake protocols to confirm your library. But requiring that you're online for any interval is the same as always on, because: A) the installation management system as described can't work without online verification; B) the primary reason to play offline is to avoid using the internet altogether, either because you don't have it or don't want to use it--Microsoft is thumbing its nose at all such players in this move; C) Microsoft is setting the interval for these mandatory online handshakes, which means that their system will dictate how often you need to be online and when. That effectively gives them control over when your internet is allowed to go down or otherwise be unavailable, as your connection going down close to the required check-in time means no Halo 5 for you.

Furthermore, Always On is really about the Kinect needing to be on and connected to your Xbox One at all times--always watching and listening. Forget the Orwellian implications for a moment. I don't want to have to get into a shouting match with my two year-old over what we watch because Xbox One has hijacked my television. That's not a service, that's a major handicap to anyone not living alone.

My son has trouble enunciating the word "Percy"

2. No Backwards Compatibility

The lack of backwards compatibility shouldn't be a surprise, but the fact that not even Xbox 360's top selling games will be supported sets a dangerous precedent when you consider Xbox One's other policies. It indicates they have no desire to allow gamers to use their products past the console's expiration date. In the case of previous generations of consoles, that's not a big deal--you could just keep your old console and game on it whenever. The stringent online handshake requirements of Xbox One as outlined so far, however, change all of that. Eventually, when Xbox Two comes out in six years, they'll start phasing out the server-side support for Xbox One games, and you'll never be able to use the old hardware again once they make that decision because a network connection is required. It's not like they're going to suddenly phase in a legitimate offline mode out of pure charity when they're about to release a new product, right?

Microsoft trying to out-jeffries Mike Jeffries

3. Mandatory Installs + 500GB Hard Drive

 Looking at the next gen of console games, a 500GB Hard Drive is a big fat joke, especially since the new system's physical architecture is non-modular. Even if you don't use your box to store video and music (and with the new concept of the all-in-one entertainment center, they really want you to download other media to your Xbox One), I'd be very surprised if next gen games used less than 20GB per installation. And that's before you start snagging the superfluous DLC that's becoming more and more common, or the huge save files attached to most console games. My Xbox 360 has several games installed on it, and they take up an average of 7GB--and that still relies on the disc for essential assets. Essentially, the combination of drive sizes and markups plus mandatory game installation means that you're going to have a cap on the library of available games you can use on your Xbox One. All this on a system that doesn't permit users to swap out the paltry 500GB drive means that, assuming an average game clocks in at 20-25GB installed, you'll be able to fit maybe twenty games onto your Xbox One before you have to start uninstalling things.

Steve Ballmer, Microsoft's CEO.

4. Secondhand Fee

Larry "Major Nelson" Hyrb said on his blog this morning that you get access to your installed games while signed into your own profile. So if you have Halo 5 installed on your machine but aren't logged in, you can't access it. (How is that for offline-friendly?) Also, the only 'potential scenario' for this fee that has come out of an Xbox rep is that a new game's secondhand fee would be retail. Retail! So if I get Call of Duty Recursive Ops: Collector's Edition and really don't like it, the best I could get on eBay would be $5 to $15 at best for the game, since anyone who got it from me would have to pay full price to use it. Otherwise, it's just a coaster. In a world where publishers are forcing pre-order and collector's edition bloat, this secondhand fee is going to damn gamers who do and who don't get games early. Either you pre-order and get screwed over by the Duke Nukem Forever and Aliens: Colonial Marines of the industry, or you wait and get screwed over having to pay a premium for pre-order DLC to complete the game experience.

Steve Ballmer is confused by the idiot masses and their misleading memes

The crux of the Xbox One as a gaming platform is the mandatory elements, and they've bungled it completely. The plan as outlined so far is vastly inferior to established, successful digital distribution models ike Desura and Steam, and instead of doing the logical thing and using discs as an offline handshake protocol, they're trying to set themselves up as a cable service alternative where every game is pay-per-install.

Now retailers like Gamestop will work things out with Microsoft, probably arranging for a mass markdown on their secondhand fees as part of the refurbishment process. But that deal, which Microsoft will bilk for whatever they can get, will result in a poorer deal for individual gamers who get stuck having to foot the bill on that deferred fee. That games aren't going to be permitted personally-initiated and arbitrated sales is ridiculous. Sure, they're going to have an as-yet-to-be-revealed service for exchanging games online, but I guarantee you that that service will come at some sort of premium, if only as a perk of having a paid membership. This is just another policy that is trying to Falcon Punch individuals and small businesses in the balls--any local retailer chains or rental places are going to get reamed by this policy, and I bet Microsoft won't care enough to work something out with them.



I really wanted to stick with Xbox on the new generation. I got the 360 early on for games like Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, Mass Effect, Dead Rising, and the Halo franchise. I want to keep riding the horse that brung me here. But right now I don't foresee myself buying anything but a PC for the time being. And for those of you kids who want to say something idiotic like "this is the future" or something like that. No. No.

No.

Offline play does not mean you are a grognard or a pirate. It just means that if you're going to have a system in your house that aims to be the hub of your entertainment center, it had better actually work the way you want.

Microsoft has a lot of damage control to do before E3. If they're even neck-and-neck with Sony in terms of showing there, they'll have lost the next console war before it began.

In related news, Sony's stock got a 9% boost the day of Microsoft's terrible announcement, and Microsoft has dropped more than 1% in the same time-frame. Classic.

Microsoft: don't be that guy.



Also, if you think I'm harsh (and don't mind a lot of fuming f-bombs), check out Angry Joe's thoughts on the subject.

Phoenix Jones: be that guy?

This is the promised second part of the Don't Be That Guy article regarding Seattle authorities and Phoenix Jones. My first article pretty well railed exclusively at Seattle for being at best unethical and at worst unconstitutional in some of its methods to antagonize Phoenix Jones and the Rain City Superheroes Movement (RCSM) in the past. Now I'm going to look a little bit more objectively at Phoenix Jones and the concept of the real-life costumed hero in a slightly more analytical light.

First, I need to step back and announce my own bias in this issue. I was perhaps eleven years old when I first learned about the Kitty Genovese murder in 1964 (warning: if you haven't read about it before, it is a disturbing case). The case and the crime itself were both terrible and shocking to me, but the concept of the "bystander effect" was the most repugnant aspect. Few things rankle my sensibilities as a man and a human being as the thought of witnesses doing nothing to help Ms. Genovese in her hour of need. We have innumerable proofs that the "bystander effect" is alive and well today--just look at how many incidents of real violence you can find on Youtube or Facebook, all shot in calm, detached precision. Now, it's very easy for me to paint people caught in the "bystander effect" as villains and to idealize anyone breaking that mold as a hero worthy of comic books. And that's not necessarily fair.

I also don't know what Phoenix Jones is like as a person--what his true motivations are. I know what he says publicly and the smattering of disjointed real-life reports from the Seattle media and his own group's web presence, but I don't really know if he does it out of altruism or egotism. I do know, however, that I want to believe he's a genuine hero, like the kind idolized in stories predating our four-color magazines with the Scarlet Pimpernel or any heroes falling under Joseph Campbell's Heroic Cycle (all of which have to step outside of society in some way in order to help redeem it). But the cynic can plausibly say that Phoenix and the RCSM are dangerous glory-seekers with no place in these situations. I could not accept such a view, but it's a plausible one.

But the authorities of Seattle, with some shockingly high violent crime rates per capita (3,400 incidents estimated for this year in a city of only 600,000 people), are taking it upon themselves to expose, humiliate, mock, and denigrate private citizens who are, at worst, recklessly eccentric? Terrible.

Other than the assault charge I mentioned before that was used as an unethical ploy to expose Phoenix Jones to the city and then promptly dropped, I haven't found any criminal charges leveled against him. He's not breaking any laws, and even if he's nothing but swagger he still gives a lot of people a sense of optimism in the fight against crime. The word 'vigilante' is used occasionally, but it doesn't apply and just highlights an Asgardian grasp of the word (see my victory by English Major to elaborate on that reference).

"...I don't really know if he does it out of altruism or egotism. I do know, however, that I want to believe he's a genuine hero..."

America has a long and proud history of vigilantism, actually. It predates the creation of our country. The colonial Carolinas saw the creation of a group called the Regulators that tried to overthrow corrupt officials and sheriffs and establish their own ethical system of law. But American vigilantism is best known in the mid-to-late 1800s, when mob lynchings, mass jailbreaks, and regular townsfolk were known to assemble and violently oppose established force. But what vigilantism is, at its core, is an individual or group of individuals pursuing justice outside of the decision of the presiding government. An individual or group of individuals does not become a vigilante until it acts on solely personal standards of justice that somehow inhibit or exclude the government's standard.

Therefore, what Phoenix Jones and the RCSM do is not vigilantism. We don't really have a term for what they're doing--civilians interposing themselves into petty street crime in order to prevent and report said crime to late-coming authorities. I'd say an optimist might call that 'good samaritanism' and a pessimist would call that 'reckless meddling' or something. The point is, however, that they aren't necessarily breaking the law, however unwise one might think they're being.

And yet--at least according to comments on all his articles I've read--for anyone that doesn't view Phoenix Jones as a hero, he and his crew are criminals, stupid, and deserve punishment of either a legal or karmic nature. There's very little middle ground, apparently. Why is that? Why, with all his publicity and stated good will, is he such a polarizing topic?

The first issue for most is the costume. They see graphic design, costuming, and a certain amount of stage presence and they immediately identify it as phony and childish. For them dress-up is a thing you do as a kid for fantasy. Indeed, the only acceptable costumes for such people are uniforms--which are by their nature designed to squelch individual identity. The other benefits and factors relating to formalized clothing and appearance are lost on them--such as the intimidation of anonymity that is at once so distinct and unique as to be totally conspicuous. And, in a society in which everyone is at least superficially aware of comic book heroes, wearing a well-designed costume can probably also serve as unspoken shorthand for motivation or intent. Heck, just two weekends ago I threw my two year-old into the arms of a masked man for a photo op because he was dressed like Spider-Man. If some random grannie had tried to touch my boy without express permission, however, I'd probably slap her. A properly worn costume in the right venue can assure us even without it being an officially recognized uniform.

But. These same factors can go into the choice of disguise a criminal might wear--however much less likely. When I used to work at a bank, I studied nearby robberies with a peculiar passion. Someone coming into my branch might be the next robber in the wave, and it'd be up to me and my sturdy "next teller" sign to stand up for our customers' deposits. And there were a few costume elements used by robbers, especially around Halloween. The social effects of the right costume could work to make innocent people afraid as well as criminals. So Phoenix Jones' and the RCSM's costumes are only as effective as they are distinct and recognizable--and when they pursue those ends it becomes easy to look like tour-mongers.

"The word 'vigilante' is used occasionally, but it doesn't apply and just highlights an Asgardian grasp of the word."

Compounding, there's the fear as a cosplayer (or, rather, potential cosplayer at this point) that such incidents might make it more likely for people to understand wearing costumes for pure fun. Phoenix Jones himself might even have to deal with this, if he enjoys cosplay itself--probable, considering he highlights costume ideas for himself and his girlfriend on his Facebook page. When a uniform of community service or even of "vigilantism" is so similar to one worn for conventions and photoshoots, does it confuse the issue or even endanger participants on either side? I doubt it, but it certainly is a situation where I imagine neither party wants to be mistaken for the other.

Secondly, I believe there's an addictive quality to the "bystander effect", such that for some people it's odious and offensive to see someone stepping out of line and pointing their finger back at the crowd watching these violent crimes happen. I suspect this is the primary motivation for most people who really hate on Phoenix Jones, and there is a point to be had. Many of us end up clinging to the bystander behaviors because we regularly train ourselves to make the safe, reserved decision. The one that is most certain to end with me healthy and hale. We hear about people trying to save someone else from drowning only for them both to go down, and we adjust our requirements of ourselves. So of course when the RCSM goes out on patrol and does stuff we've already presumed stupidly dangerous, we have to insult and mock them. Because they can't be right. We won't let them.

From https://www.facebook.com/ThePhoenixJones

Thirdly, there's the "safety professional" arguments, which I believe are the least valid response to Phoenix Jones and the RCSM. It's also the most common. "If he wants to help people, he should become a cop or a soldier..." "He's just playing around. Grow up. Get a job..." are the general sentiments in front of these arguments. In a nation where only one in nearly two hundred people is a law enforcement officer, this idea is dangerously charitable to crime of all sorts in our society. It's tantamount to pledging that criminals and police are the only sides involved in a war, and that law-abiding citizens are neutral in the fight. Obviously, though, crime concerns us all, and to treat it otherwise is the worst kind of enablement. What people normally mean with this though is that trained, salaried professionals are the only trustworthy agents of justice in society, which is at least as bad. Training is one thing, but just because something is your job doesn't mean you're the only one culpable for responsible behavior. We don't have to be janitors to know that when you stop up the toilet boil, you really should do something about it. Saying it's not your job and treating that as license to be indifferent just ensures the mess will spread before the professionals can get there.

And, as an aside, Phoenix Jones stresses on his facebook page that he doesn't view Seattle's police negatively, despite their rocky and sometimes hypocritical treatment of him. He respects and works with the police--he just doesn't aspire to be one.

So what am I saying? That morally conscious individuals should be gearing up and taking it to the streets like Phoenix Jones and the RCSM? Well, not exactly, and funny enough that's not Phoenix Jones' message either. It's about waking up to being socially responsible for what you say and do, about not sitting back and waiting for other people to do what you know you should be doing. It's about helping first and foremost, without waiting to be asked. All it takes is being needed and responding to the needs of others rather than making excuses.

So, unfortunately, it's much more virtuous and insidious a calling than merely getting dressed up and patrolling the streets.

Tights would be easier.

Don't Be That Guy: SPD Advisor Wants Crack Down on Heroes

...Making The Streets Safe For Brawling.

You know, I have a pretty skewed impression of Seattle. On the one hand, Frasier Crane lived there and he sure made it sound like a swank place for muckety mucks and snobs to live.

On the other hand, they have stuff like this. Last year on May 1st, a gang known as the Black Bloc used a day slated for peaceful demonstration and activism to tear up the city, vandalizing a courthouse on the way. Apparently, the gang came out in uniform (dressed in black with bandanas over their faces), and they attacked people on the street, blocked city traffic, and damaged buildings as they went through the city.

And guess who was there?

Phoenix Jones and the Rain City Superheroes, a group of real-life costumed heroes who patrol Seattle to crack down on drugs, brawling, and petty crime. The RCS got into the thick of it, and according to them they were defending the courthouse specifically while the police were outmaneuvered by the cleverly dubbed gang.

Picture from https://www.facebook.com/ThePhoenixJones

Sounds a little bit The Avengers meets Kick-Ass, doesn't it? Well, that's probably because Phoenix Jones is Kick-Ass in at least a few ways. I've had part of this article fermenting for well over a year--since October 2011--when, as a temperamental snub against costumed heroes, Phoenix Jones got publicly outed by the justice system.

Yeah, it happened. In Seattle, baby.

You see, Phoenix Jones describes himself as a concerned father who got tired of the crime on the streets of Seattle when a car break-in got his child showered with glass. Now, that'd make any of us mad, afraid, or cowed in spirit, but Phoenix Jones went another way by donning a black and gold protective bodysuit and patrolling the streets at night looking for crime. He's found it. Found it in spades. When confronted by a criminal act, he calls the authorities (which is sadly more than most do) and then steps in to do whatever he can (badassfully). He soon started a group--the Rain City Superheroes--and they watched others backs, supported each other, and helped to coordinate their efforts beyond a one-block at a time patrol.

Even before October 2011, I'd heard of this small-time West Coast crusader. Local journalists had done walk-alongs with him, and the media even reunited him with a man whose car Phoenix had saved from having his car stolen. They also highlighted that he has a base of operations at the back of a local comic book store.

This all happened, folks. This does happen.

"...he calls the authorities (which is sadly more than most do) and then steps in to do whatever he can (badassfully)."

In October 2011, Phoenix Jones was arrested for assault after he pepper sprayed a group of people brawling in the street. No other arrests were reported at the time, just Phoenix. The group of a handful of people fighting walked away, though their anecdotal testimony that they were just fooling around was quoted by the police as the official version of events. As it turned out, the police weren't really interested in proceeding with the assault charge, as nothing was ever officially filed. That didn't stop them from trumping up a public hearing where they forced him to reveal his name and face. (Out of respect for what he does and his initial decision to be anonymous, I'll use his nomme de guerre instead of his given name.) Probably the worst part of this whole ordeal is that every time Phoenix Jones has received media attention--positive or negative--since that hearing, the coverage always includes his real name, as though trying to flush him out of his crime-fighting hobby. I've even read articles where they use his middle name, as though trying to make antagonizing him as easy and transparent as possible.

Skip ahead to last year May 1st, and the description with which I began this article. Phoenix Jones and his associated Rain City Superheroes found themselves once again in the newspapers, once more making the city of Seattle look like Frank Miller's Gotham City while they snag headlines alongside, or even ahead of, police officers. From that perspective, it's easy to see why Michael Hillman, a former deputy chief for the LAPD advising the Seattle Police Department, wouldn't like them. He advised that the Seattle Police find a way to restrict private citizens like Phoenix Jones going out and patrolling for illegal activity.

Yep, life imitating art even more. Surprisingly, though, the Seattle Police Department publicly disregarded that recommendation and said their only interest on May Day or any other day is stopping crime. Good for them, right? Phoenix even came out with some, perhaps, grandiose claims that he would be working with the police on a strategy for combating lawlessness on May Day.

He probably spoke too soon. This year the May Day events and the media's coverage of the Rain City Superheroes has been rather less than favorable. Articles I've read largely undulate between accusing Phoenix Jones and his crew of escalating situations or of being attention-seeking goons scuffling with clowns. And the SPD has been stressing that Phoenix Jones has never solved a crime. It seems that, rather than follow Hillman's suggestion to further infringe on Phoenix's consitutional rights, they decided to go the unquestionably legal route of shaming and decrying his proclaimed goal.



Geez, Seattle. J. Jonah Jameson much?

Now, I've got a bit more to say on the issue of Phoenix Jones specifically and the concept of "real life superheroes" in general, but I'll save that for another time. For now, though, I'll just say: Seattle, don't be that city.

Don't Be That Guy: Joyeux Nouvel An

("Happy New Year" in the Black Tongue)

I'll make this quick. France is nuts.

How nuts is it?

So nuts that when French youths get all bothered and snockered with New Year's festivities, it boils over in a rash of frakkin' setting cars on fire. According to French officials, nearly 1200 cars and motorcycles were burned in France this past Tuesday, making the country the most ridiculous country in the world for at least a day.

Seriously, I guess I must be an impotent nerd, because I don't understand the leap from having a happy to lighting it on fire. Though according to paranoid studies, I intake enough violent entertainment to be entitled to at least a couple of acts of random arson a year. Maybe I should clear my schedule for some car-burning after The Desolation of Smaug is released next December.

Now, there's an estimated 31 million cars in France (based on Nationmaster.com's cars stats), so that means the odds of waking up on New Year's Day to find your car torched are about one in thirty thousand. Not bad odds by Lotto standards, but pretty sucktastic when you're a poor Franc planning on driving anywhere ever again. The mass arson is at least partly gang related, as French gangs and blocks compete to burn the most cars and brag about it via social networking.

Merci, Facebook.

Add to that lameness the fact that French officials seem to think that this trend of car arson is a throw back to the mass riots of 2005, and we have one distinct image of the modern Frenchman:

France: home of the rage zombie infected

Apparently those plucky infected Brits made it into France in 2007 after all. Because that's all I can come up with to explain to French authorities the epidemic suckage of their populace. I mean really, the best guess they have is that the masses got 'hooked' on the wanton destruction of the 2005 protests? That's like saying your people found that acting like rugensteins worked out so well in the past, so why not keep doing it?

I'm not exactly champing at the bit to visit France--you'll note I refer to their native language as the Black Tongue above. But I would like to tour some of the historic battlefields of Europe at some point in the future.

Maybe I'll make it a walking tour if I hit France, though.

(These are 28 Weeks Later references, people)

Don't be that Guy: Ray Muzyka Retreats

So I shared a freezer-burned post with you just a few days ago that acerbically responded to a blog post of BioWare's General Manager, Ray Muzyka. Well, now, it turns out that Ray is leaving the Mass Effect franchise, his company, and the entire frakkin' gaming industry behind. He's going into charity social entrepreneurship, whatever that means. Well, I'll tell you what that means, he's beating a hasty retreat in response to the tide of nerd-hate falling down around his ears. There's no other explanation for it. If you had just taken your own company's flagship product and dropped a lazy dump on its very existence and internal consistency, and then lied through your teeth to fans about being directly responsible and cognizant about its unpopularity, wouldn't you run with your tail between your legs?

Now, this will always be speculation, because as long as Mass Effect is a vibrant franchise, it's exceptionally unlikely anyone will confirm a correlation between Mass Effect 3's lousy resolution and Muzyka leaving, probably saying that Ray had been planning this for sometime, that he's wanting to branch out, help the poor social networking sites...blah blah blah. Mass Effect 3 was a huge financial success, he'd had the most direct creative influence over it, and it was clearly supposed to pave the way for even more in-universe games to branch out--probably to other genres and platforms. Who walks away in the middle of all that, except for someone who's either ashamed or being asked by EA to resign in order to ameliorate relations with Mass Effect fans.

I wish I could take some responsibility for this turn of events. If I'd been a good blogger and posted my previous article 5 months ago as intended, perhaps I could happily delude myself with the assurance that I had helped punish the man who dealt Commander Shepard the unkindest cut of all--a stupid ending. Instead, I'm happy with the fact that I'm convinced that the disgruntled collective of Mass Effect fans have responded with enough clamor that someone--either Ray himself or someone at EA--decided that he was no longer good for the franchise. In either case, I feel like this change can only be good for Dragon Age 3, which is in development and hopefully will be purged of any of Ray Muzyka's nutty ideas.

Don't Be That Gal: Painting-Pisser

Don't Be That Guy: One of the best things about being one out of several billion is that there's always somebody doing something stupid. If you keep your eyes open, you can usually wait for a stupid person to try something first. Watch them fail, laugh, and be sure not to repeat their mistake. Or read my blog and get the skinny straight from the Nerdery.

It has been alleged that I have a blog somewhere on the inter-web. A too-long-untouched blog. I find this report disturbing and completely true. I mean, gorram it, a month?

Oh well, there's an impressive backlog of article ideas and stubs waiting in the wings, so hopefully I'll be able to nudge towards my original goal of one hundred posts in the first year of my blog. Unfortunately, some of the once-topical posts will be a little outdated, but they still make great fodder for the Nerdery.

Speaking of which, there was an article from last month that qualifies for a Don't Be That Guy post with a healthy helping of 'what-the-frak!?' on the side. A woman named Carmen Tisch walked into the Clyfford Still art museum in Colorado, punched an offending piece of art, dropped her pants to rub her flank against it, and finally shared some...'water' with the exhibit.

No, really.

This is so easy I'm not even going to really make fun of Ms. Tisch, who supposedly has a history of alcoholism and driving while inebriated. She also had an armed robbery charge that was later dismissed against her. If her behavior in the Still exhibit is a typical intimidation tactic for her, I'd wonder if her charisma is what got the charges dropped. In any case, I'm not going to attack this peach. She's a winner, and I don't think you need convincing on this point.

Instead I want to understand this. What drives this kind of behavior, in any state of mind? First, let's look at the victim of the inablution, "1957-J-No. 2":

I must say, I don't appreciate modern art. This painting impresses me even less than Chicago's "Cloud Gate," and that's saying a lot.

Given the context of the Tisch event, my eye is drawn to the lemonade-stain on the right edge of the piece. Could this be some sort of dark prophecy, foreshadowing 54 years ago the ignominious fate that would befall this noble canvas? Perhaps Still is a much more modestly endowed American Rimbaldi, his prophetic art limited to un-classy reactions to his work. If that was the case, can we really hold poor Carmen Tisch responsible for her actions, or was she caught up in the holistic power of Still's transcendent genius? Was she an offender, or merely unhinged by the realization that as she was looking into the departed Still's painting, he was staring back at her from the 1950s...

Or, perhaps with the appropriate prescription of beer goggles, this painting looks like a public toilet. That might draw the sequence of Tisch's actions into better focus, if we imagine her bleary logic. "Ugh, I hate it when the person before you doesn't flush," she bemoans, striking the lavatory. She claws, looking for a handle, before making her seat of the artwork and relieving herself. "Ahh, that's better, now I can go outside and enjoy the art exhibit...Why is everyone looking at me? I hate it when people make eye contact in the bathroom."

Carmen Tisch: trans-temporal victim of eldritch art or beer-addled misunderstanding? Eh, don't be that gal in either case.

Stolen from the Editor's Desk: Gamers are Weird

Stolen from the Editor's Desk: There are a lot of opinion columns, write-in articles, and advice editorials in the greater medium of the written word. Virtually none of these advisors are particularly qualified, either. There's nothing to stop them from giving bad advice. Except me. Stolen from the Editor's Desk involves me taking some sort of advice column and tearing it a new one, all for your sake. Bad advice, meet the nerdery.

On the Today Show, Some-Rich-Guy was on their 'The Other View' special giving advice on relationships. The question was whether it was okay for a guy to play video games if he was in his thirties. The pontiff's reply: no, it's weird, he shouldn't enjoy video games at that age. You can view the idiotic exchange here, but before I lay into this over-the-hill metro-sexual non-jock, let me set the background on the opinion-giver.

Donny Deutsch is the CEO of an ad agency. He is rich and probably bought his way onto the Today Show as part of increasing his advertising footprint, so you should respect his opinions about relationships. Never mind that he's been divorced, got his girlfriend pregnant and then left her before the birth, and that he was named as the 'other man' in divorce proceedings involving another woman a year later. He's got gobs of money, so he is an authority on male behavior and what makes for good mates.

I, on the other hand, am the wordsmith of a blog and a dedicated life-long nerd. I fantasize regularly about living inside a to-scale mockup of the starship Serenity, and I'd like to make a homemade arcade unit before I turn thirty. I've been married since 2008, and despite the fact that my wife got pregnant, I managed to stick around to actually be a father to my son. In fact, I actually enjoy being a father, which I'm sure Deutsch finds 'weird' as well.

I'm twenty-five years old, a working man, husband, and a father. But I don't feel like I'm approaching the upper end of my gaming shelf-life. In fact, since 343 Studios is making another Halo trilogy starting with Halo 4 in 2012, I'd say that about clinches that I'll be playing Halo games for at least another six or seven years. And why is that weird? Is it weird for an adult man (or woman, for that matter) to enjoy books, or movies, or television into his thirties? I really doubt that Deutsch would claim that, since he likes to advertise in those media to, ya know, adults.

Let me explain something. In a special such as this on any talk show, the people asking these questions are almost always asking about single people in the context of dating relationships. They're asking (perhaps inappropriately) for strangers to weigh in on personal hang-ups and either challenge or empower them with stamps of 'okay' or 'not okay' behavior. If they're using this pundit's advice to evaluate a spouse, they really lost the battle already and should have dealt with perceived problems before they got this far.

"He's got gobs of money, so he is an authority on male behavior and what makes for good mates."

But, and this must be very clear, the question is not about obsessive or addicted game-playing behavior. This is about Deutsch deigning to dictate that it is never acceptable for an adult man to enjoy video games as a hobby. The speed with which he retorts that it's weird clearly indicates that a man who comes home from work and spends an hour drinking is much more socially acceptable to him than a man who comes home from work and spends an hour playing L.A. Noire. Of course, as a New Yorker father-eating businessman, I'd bet he'd prefer a man who passed out each night after work and spent virtually all of his free time trying to score tail while at business meetings in over-priced restaurants. Welcome to New York, pal.

Since Deutsch didn't have the human courtesy to treat a viewer's question seriously and explain his rationale, I think I'm going to put words in his mouth: Video games are a kids' toy. As you get older, games are for dorks, and if he's playing games at that age he's probably a gross fattie who doesn't deserve to occupy his wedge of the bachelorette population. Men in their thirties should be focused on chain-dating, social climbing, and playing sports in clubs where half the members spend half the time standing around talking in their sweat-wear while watching younger members actually play segue-polo, speed-ball, or squash. If they have a personal obsession, it might be with work or professional sports, which is okay because pro sports are cool, and they are replete with ads that push the over-saturation envelope.

Because whimsy, imagination, and creativity have no place in an adult man's life. Whimsy, not escapism, is the desire to see more magic, wonder, and optimism in the world today, and to take part in that which we could never experience otherwise. Imagination, not childishness, is the exercise of exploring the limits of our world, our reason, and our projections of ourselves in entirely other-worldly settings. And creativity, not mindless consumption, is the constant hunger for new explorations of our fantasies as they become worlds in themselves.

Why don't you want those qualities in a thirty year-old man? Or a sixty year-old man? Or a woman, for that matter?

"I'd bet he'd prefer a man who passed out each night after work and spent virtually all of his free time trying to score tail while at business meetings in over-priced restaurants. Welcome to New York, pal."

Don't get me wrong, there are other ways to develop the traits I described above, but studies in the industry have shown repeatedly that those uplifting qualities define career gamers--people who define themselves by their hobby and spend years actively investing into it. There are bad traits linked to gamers, but I think you'd be hard pressed to compare extreme video gamers' socially negative qualities to extreme sports fans' socially negative qualities. Not unless I missed all the headlines of nerd riots when Halo: Reach was released. And while some of these elements are common in movies, movies encourage passive escapism and bland acceptance of processed entertainment with the unenlightened refrain: "it's only a movie". In a game, players are encouraged to change what they don't like or find unacceptable. And, if it's not possible within the confines of the game itself, gamers are much more likely to address their problems with game developers.

Deutsch and the rest of the talking heads on the Today Show also happen to be too old to understand what is starting to happen with today's thirty year-olds. The thirty year-olds today are the leading edge of the first generation to be raised on video games. They have no memories of life before video games, when electronic games weren't a part of popular culture, and a great number of them could probably chronicle the timeline of seminal video games alongside major life events. The fact is, whether the old holdouts trying to mold public opinion like it or not--whether they understand it or not--the gamers that are growing up now and evermore will be lifers. You can either accept it or revel in your own irrelevance as it grows. I think it's pretty clear what the Today Show and the media grognards they represent have chosen.

And what was Deutsch doing in his thirties? Fighting his way to become a (I'm sure well-earned) CEO of his father's company and buy out his own father's ownership, likely more-or-less in respone to getting fired from the family business a few years prior. I'm sure if you pinned him down on what he thought was normal and acceptable behavior for a man in his thirties, he'd probably come up with a horrifying list of activities that turn man into a shape-shifting, spineless creature that undulates seamlessly between lemming and remora.

So I'll tack another tag onto this post. Elitist CEO snob, baby daddy, other man Donny Douche--er--Deutsch: don't be that guy.

Don't Be That Guy: Prisoners of WoW

Don't Be That Guy: One of the best things about being one out of several billion is that there's always somebody doing something stupid. If you keep your eyes open, you can usually wait for a stupid person to try something first. Watch them fail, laugh, and be sure not to repeat their mistake. Or read my blog and get the skinny straight from the Nerdery.

World of Warcraft is a divisive little piece of nerd-product. As an MMORPG, it's part of the genre that is used to mock nerds as a social group at least as much as glasses, snorting Urkel laughs, and Star Trek tech arguments. For those of you who don't know, MMORPG stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. The MMO portion of that describes any game in which there is no hard limit on the number of players participating in the same session--successful MMOs have hundreds of thousands of players connected during their peak hours.

Most MMO games are also RPGs, largely for practical development reasons. In an RPG video game, players will generally spend most of their time striking off on their own or in teams for small group instanced combat. This is by design, as it provides less strain on the game's servers if fewer players are in the same area at the same time. The other big reason MMORPGs are by far the most popular iteration of the online genre is because video game RPGs are almost always primarily concerned with experience, character advancement, and loot grinding. Character advancement is very different from character development, as it refers to some way that the game gives you more power as you play for longer amounts of time. You might kill a giant rat for five experience points, and after getting one thousand experience points you get a chance to learn a new attack power. The next level will come after geometrically more experience, and the next after that, and so on, such that players might spend days of play-time at higher levels to level up just once.

Loot grinding is another huge element of MMORPGs in general and World of Warcraft specifically. You see, in addition to having nuanced combat powers that your character can develop, MMORPGs also feature items and resources that can be found, mined, bought, or harvested. These items can greatly increase the power of your character, or can just be sold when found to save up for something better. This is the core value of loot grinding--there's always cheap stuff to be found, but there's always something better out there.

So there are two grinds in WoW--the level grind of killing things repeatedly to gain experience and the loot grind of collecting gear and gold to get that ultimate piece you want. Level grinding is a personal trial that can't easily be outsourced--you have to kill the stuff yourself--and most players prefer to control their advancement carefully anyways. Loot grinding, on the other hand, is easily outsourced and usually players do so happily because it just isn't that fun to virtually chop wood or mine gold for hours on end. Not in WoW, anyways.

This demand creates an opportunity. People who don't mind the tedium of tapping gold veins for days on end can make offers to impatient people in a trans-reality exchange: people pay real money to get in-game gold. The suppliers in this scenario are often called gold farmers, because of harvest-reaping-selling pattern of the industry.

In this article, a former Chinese inmate dishes on how the guards there used teams of prisoners to gold farm in a rather lucrative scheme that exceeded the profits that inmate labor in factories could produce. They'd be forced to mine gold in 12 hour-a-day shifts, and when the prisoners failed to meet their quota, the guards would punish them in much the manner you'd expect of a Chinese prison. The article reports that an estimated 80% of all gold farming is done in China, and the informant stipulates that many other prisons in China must be following suit.

There's several layers of don't-be-that-guy, so let's work through them.

Unenjoyable video game-maker: don't be that guy. When at least half of your product's content consists of something your clients would rather pay more money to skip, and that prison inmates are forced to do in 12 hour shifts, you've overshot the goal of progressive difficulty for your game and gone into programming-douche-baggery. I mean, making repetitive-but-essentially-enjoyable gameplay dynamics is one thing, but we're talking about something that boils down to a hunt-and-click dynamic that gets old after three minutes. To put this in physical perspective, that'd be like giving seating priority at a football game to people who get their tickets punched by all the vendors multiple times. It's meaningless activity that has no direct bearing on whether someone is worthy of the reward, and it doesn't really improve the game's experience.

China: don't be that guy. This is an intrinsically ideological one, but when you see it you will poop bricks. China, the world's foremost communist power, in whose century we supposedly live, has state employees (ie, the guards) using state resources (ie, the prison labor) to pander to one of the most prevalent pieces of rampant capitalism known to the modern world (ie, MMORPG players) for personal gain. Estimates are that there are well over a hundred thousand Chinese gold farmers (though the inmates are probably a minority in that group), and each one of them is a silent condemnation that comunism as a state structure generally only works as a pariah system that feeds off of more dynamic economies. Especially after the ridiculous expense of the Hong Kong Olympics, it comes off as throwing a garish party to impress your neighbors and then driving your jallopy down to the local soup kitchen for breakfast the next morning.

Prisoner of WoW: don't be that guy. Bear with me on this one. I'm not going to be one of those idiots who try to belittle the anguish inherent to this work--it may be playing a video-game, but it's externally directed, limited in focus, and done in long shifts that probably lead to freaky nightmares of being haunted by cel shaded icons that tingle with the promise of cheesy money sound effects. And then there's the specter of martial punishment, which is the bad part. Imagine two prisoners in the prison courtyard, punished by being forced to stand outside with their arms upraised for hours on end:

As the guard passes by, Liu whispers out of the corner of his mouth, "What did you do?"

The other guy, a scarred and heavily-built tattooed man named Po, replies, "I shanked my cell-mate with a sharpened toothbrush. He was a lazy, worthless slug who kept complaining about laundry duty."

A pause as the guard passes in the other direction.

"What did you do?" Po asks.

"Um..." Liu hesitates. "I didn't collect enough gold in this American video game they've had me playing."

"Your name's Liu, right?" Po mumbles with a sneer, freezing for the guard to pass again. "What's your cell block? Maybe I'll look you up."

"I get beat with pipes, too!" Liu blurts defensively.

As a Chinese inmate, it's got to be a hard sell to the other cons that you're actually recieving your fair share of abuse from the guards. It's a hideous catch 22 where finding the solace in your prison routine comes with the risk of looking like the guards' pet.

Don't Be That Guy: Caught Holding the Bag

Don't Be That Guy: One of the best things about being one out of several billion is that there's always somebody doing something stupid. If you keep your eyes open, you can usually wait for a stupid person to try something first. Watch them fail, laugh, and be sure not to repeat their mistake. Or read my blog and get the skinny straight from the Nerdery.

Here's a glorious true story from the Nerdery's backyard.

A young lady--we'll call her Red--was house-sitting for a family in Chicago while they were out of town. The home-owners owned several dogs, and so much of the house-sitting involved basic pet care needs: feeding them, taking them out for walks, cleaning up after them...

Especially that last one.

After a few days of taking care of the pets, Red stopped by the house to find a dead dog. Worried and a little bit emotional, she called up the home-owners. The dog happened to be rather old, and so they reassured her that they weren't unduly upset. Red wasn't sure what to do with the cadaver, so she asked the owners, who said their vet could take care of the cremation and then bill them for it.

All Red had to do was get the dog to the vet. In Chicago. In the summer.

Unfortunately, as a young city-trotter, she doesn't have a car. So she'd be forced to take the deceased dog on the El--that's the elevated train system for those of you who are urban-impaired. Suffice it to say that Red was not looking forward to lugging a worm-bait doggie onto the train on her way to the vet's dust farm, so she decided to improvise.

With what I can only imagine to be a thick pair of rubber-gloves and a lot of TLC, she hefted the meat puppet into a piece of travel luggage. Maybe with a trash bag for an additional liner, or maybe she wasn't planning on using that luggage piece ever again. In any case, onto the train she hustled her postmortem cargo in a conveniently wheeled travel bag, settling rather embarrassedly into the conveyance's vinyl seat.

I'm sure at this point Red was casually sniffing the air, nervously checking to see if the truly manifest canine was emitting a noticeable odor. Maybe I should've doubled up the trash bags? Could I get a citation for this? The thoughts must have come in a constant stream that made the distraction of a stranger addressing her seem welcome.

"Hey there."

"Um...Hi."

"What's in the bag?"

A pause. Red didn't want to be just another urban horror story: "So I was riding the train and this lady next to me had a frickin' dead dog in a travel bag. No, she wasn't a taxadermist; it wasn't stuffed. She just had a rotting pup in her carry-on." So she decided to lie:

"Oh, just some jewelry and stuff."

Moments later, the stranger snatched her precious parcel and made a clean getaway. I can't imagine Red put up too much of a fight, though, if only for fear of the contents tumbling out in the middle of any potential scuffle.

Now, imagine the dirtbag mugger's reaction when he carted the bag off to some secluded place and checked out his haul. I'd like to think he went straight to a fence or pawn-broker with the bag:

"Hey, Earl, whaddya got?"

"A nice bag of bling, Jimmy. Check it...out?"

He opens the bag to find a plastic garbage bag. Curious, he unwraps the secreted contents while Jimmy leans his head close over the package to get that first glimpse. Then comes the dramatic reveal: there's a delay in the realization, as Jimmy's face freezes in momentary puzzlement as he tries to make sense of what he's seeing. A wig? A stuffed animal? Then there comes a whiff of decay.

"Whathehell?!" Jimmy half-gags and covers his nose and mouth as the realization dawns.

Earl, shocked and disappointed in his haul, overturns the bag to see if his victim tried the classic hide-the-valuables-under-the-dead-dog ploy. The corpse canine plops onto the floor as he shakes out the contents.

"Earl! Whathehell, man?!" Jimmy shrieks louder this time. "Not on my f---ing floor!"

"Maybe it's in the dog?" Earl suggests, making a hesitant gesture.

"No, no no no!" Jimmy stomps, stopping Earl before he can touch the dog. There's an awkward, tense silence. "Is this some kind of prank?"

"What? No," Earl defends himself. "This lady was on the El with this carry-on, and she said it was jewelry, I swear."

Another pause.

"She must be some kind of sick-o," he concludes.

So, for all you highwaymen out there: keep in mind that your average Chicagoan is probably not going to volunteer that she has a haul of valuables with her on the El. So if you are told that, think twice. It might be a putrid pooch.

Dead-dog-mugger: don't be that guy.

Don't Be That Guy: Don't Insult Your Boss, Megan Fox

Don't Be That Guy: One of the best things about being one out of several billion is that there's always somebody doing something stupid. If you keep your eyes open, you can usually wait for a stupid person to try something first. Watch them fail, laugh, and be sure not to repeat their mistake. Or read my blog and get the skinny straight from the Nerdery.

This one is so self-explanatory, I could probably leave the article blank and you could follow along based on the title. But, since I don't believe in the phrase "it goes without saying," and since there might be a few of you who are unaware: the real reason Megan Fox was canned from Transformers: Dark of the Moon has been released.

Does anyone really believe in the phrase "it goes without saying"? Because I've never heard anyone use it and then go without saying. It'd be more accurate to say, "it's so delightfully obvious I can't resist saying..." or something similar.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand.

If there's one rule of employment, it's that you generally shouldn't insult the person who writes your checks. If that person continues to employ you, train you, recommend you for future jobs with other employers, and defends your reputation when other informed sources condemn you for being an ignorant transient, you should really think twice before you compare him to the most universally reviled figure in history. That's just a rule of thumb, sure, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to think of a situation where the reverse is true.

There are those who point to Spielberg's ancestry and immediately label this as an anti-semitism issue. That's not it at all. Megan Fox showed rampant idiocy and ignorance in her choice of words. From the original comment, she seemed to be comparing Michael Bay to Hitler to allude to him being a micro-manager. Which isn't exactly the number one attribute associated with him. Other micro-managers she could've alluded to, assuming she had the educational wherewithal: Napoleon or Santa Anna to keep the militaristic theme; or Churchill to maintain a much more positive World War Two association. The choice to use Hitler as an example of comparison must be either out of ignorance of other historic micro-managers or out of resentment. Neither reason is a good one to bring up in an international medium to ostensibly promote the film's release.

Other people not to compare your boss to in order to illustrate particular traits:

Fashion sense--Muammar Gaddafi, Kim Jong-il

Musical talent--Ali Ben Bongo Ondimba

Investment acumen--Michael Jackson

Personal grooming--General Ambrose Burnside

Polo skills--Steve Wozniak

Relational stability--General George S. Patton

They may have these traits, sure, but none of those traits are the dominant ones that come to mind. You bring those figures up, and other issues, other traits--usually bad ones--come to mind instead. Most mature employees know this, but for some of Hollywood's elite such social courtesy is too much to ask or expect.

Insulting your boss in a public venue. Don't be that guy. And try watching Megan Fox's British replacement, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, in Transformers Dark of the Moon this weekend. I'm sure she'll have a bit more class, a bit more tact, and a lot more sense when it comes to biting the hand that feeds her.

Don't Be That Guy: Low Self-esteem Burglar

Don't Be That Guy: One of the best things about being one out of several billion is that there's always somebody doing something stupid. If you keep your eyes open, you can usually wait for a stupid person to try something first. Watch them fail, laugh, and be sure not to repeat their mistake. Or read my blog and get the skinny straight from the Nerdery.

My son was born early this morning. In a fit of informing friends and family, attending to my super-hero wife, and doting on the miniature clone of myself, I wasn't sure if I'd get to post on the blog today. Waiting to the last moment and the terminal ergs of momentum, I finally found something that brings up a key issue that has always bothered me.

The low self-esteem burglar. Don't be that guy.

I found this recently. Dawn Renee Pickle, (who is not a looker, by the way) was arrested for suspicion of being a Tennessee ax-burglar. The title is enough to draw me in, really. Any time I see a news article involving any medieval-equipped villainy, I have to check it out. And in her own way, Mz. Pickle did not disappoint.

Burglary with an axe is one level of stupid. I mean, the less common something is as an implement of destruction, I imagine it becomes easier for forensic investigators to track it down. I mean, ignoring issues like serial numbers and the highly glorified field of ballistic forensics, if you determine that someone was murdered by a Glock, you've got a lot of investigative work to do. If CSI determines that their victim was kacked by an official replica of the elven dagger Sting, things are probably going to be relatively easy. The axe probably hasn't fit into the category of common criminal implements for a few centuries. Think of it this way:

CSI Dude #1: Hmmm, that's a mighty gouge in the security glass.


CSI Dude #2: What caliber do you think that is?


CSI Dude #1: I'd say it's a fireaxe.


CSI Dude #2: Alright, let's round up all the town kooks known to sport log-splitters. And better bring in the local fire department, too. Just in case. Stupid fire jocks always struck me as shifty anyways.


CSI Dude #1: Too right.

I can't imagine this occupying investigators for very long. But that's not the full breadth of what irks me about this case and others like it, and it's this issue that makes it worthy of Don't Be That Guy.

Amongst two liquor store robberies, she stole kitty litter from a Dollar General Store.

I mean, if I were to ever commit myself to a criminal act, I'd try to ensure that it was singular enough to meet my needs over as long a term as possible. For instance, if you break into a liquor store take the money. If you break into a Dollar store take the money. If you rob a bank, well...you get the idea.

If you rob a store and take the kitty litter, you are communicating two things at once: you really don't esteem yourself enough to knock off someplace nice; you were very likely driven to a life of crime by your pussy cat. I'm sure when Mz. Pickle gets to prison she immediately regrets her life choices when Barda, convicted bank-robber, asks her what she's in for. "Oh, I love my cats so much it hurts."

Of course, at this point it fits the profile perfectly that such a loused personality as to be driven to violence by her pets would also have an acute need for alcohol. What's worse, we hear stories about similar violent crimes with petty payoffs--guys knocking off convenience stores for cigarettes, slurpees, and so on. I can imagine that--much like clothes make the man in the professional world--the mark identifies the crook in the underworld. All I know is if I were going to knock off three places, none of them would be a dollar store.

But please, if you go against John Law, show some pride in yourself and your decisions. Rob someplace nice, or at least show the presence of mind to clean out the register.

Low self-esteem burglar. Don't be that guy.