Thursday, March 10, 2011

Don't Be That Guy: Low Self-esteem Burglar

Don't Be That Guy: One of the best things about being one out of several billion is that there's always somebody doing something stupid. If you keep your eyes open, you can usually wait for a stupid person to try something first. Watch them fail, laugh, and be sure not to repeat their mistake. Or read my blog and get the skinny straight from the Nerdery.

My son was born early this morning. In a fit of informing friends and family, attending to my super-hero wife, and doting on the miniature clone of myself, I wasn't sure if I'd get to post on the blog today. Waiting to the last moment and the terminal ergs of momentum, I finally found something that brings up a key issue that has always bothered me.

The low self-esteem burglar. Don't be that guy.

I found this recently. Dawn Renee Pickle, (who is not a looker, by the way) was arrested for suspicion of being a Tennessee ax-burglar. The title is enough to draw me in, really. Any time I see a news article involving any medieval-equipped villainy, I have to check it out. And in her own way, Mz. Pickle did not disappoint.

Burglary with an axe is one level of stupid. I mean, the less common something is as an implement of destruction, I imagine it becomes easier for forensic investigators to track it down. I mean, ignoring issues like serial numbers and the highly glorified field of ballistic forensics, if you determine that someone was murdered by a Glock, you've got a lot of investigative work to do. If CSI determines that their victim was kacked by an official replica of the elven dagger Sting, things are probably going to be relatively easy. The axe probably hasn't fit into the category of common criminal implements for a few centuries. Think of it this way:

CSI Dude #1: Hmmm, that's a mighty gouge in the security glass.

CSI Dude #2: What caliber do you think that is?

CSI Dude #1: I'd say it's a fireaxe.

CSI Dude #2: Alright, let's round up all the town kooks known to sport log-splitters. And better bring in the local fire department, too. Just in case. Stupid fire jocks always struck me as shifty anyways.

CSI Dude #1: Too right.

I can't imagine this occupying investigators for very long. But that's not the full breadth of what irks me about this case and others like it, and it's this issue that makes it worthy of Don't Be That Guy.

Amongst two liquor store robberies, she stole kitty litter from a Dollar General Store.

I mean, if I were to ever commit myself to a criminal act, I'd try to ensure that it was singular enough to meet my needs over as long a term as possible. For instance, if you break into a liquor store take the money. If you break into a Dollar store take the money. If you rob a bank, get the idea.

If you rob a store and take the kitty litter, you are communicating two things at once: you really don't esteem yourself enough to knock off someplace nice; you were very likely driven to a life of crime by your pussy cat. I'm sure when Mz. Pickle gets to prison she immediately regrets her life choices when Barda, convicted bank-robber, asks her what she's in for. "Oh, I love my cats so much it hurts."

Of course, at this point it fits the profile perfectly that such a loused personality as to be driven to violence by her pets would also have an acute need for alcohol. What's worse, we hear stories about similar violent crimes with petty payoffs--guys knocking off convenience stores for cigarettes, slurpees, and so on. I can imagine that--much like clothes make the man in the professional world--the mark identifies the crook in the underworld. All I know is if I were going to knock off three places, none of them would be a dollar store.

But please, if you go against John Law, show some pride in yourself and your decisions. Rob someplace nice, or at least show the presence of mind to clean out the register.

Low self-esteem burglar. Don't be that guy.

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