Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Time for Dick Measuring: Charlie Sheen

The Time for Dick Measuring: There we go. A needless reference to God-given anatomy. Sometimes you should take stock and compare your manhood with other men around you. But, alas, it is not always appropriate. The Time for Dick Measuring articles will help to navigate the mine-field of situations where you must resist the urge to compare your hampton to your fellow man's.

Don't let others fool you: Taken is a great movie. If for no other reason than a single moment in the movie, it deserves to be remembered and immortalized in cinema history.

Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) has just listened on the phone as his daughter was kidnapped. In a fit of frantic planning, favor-cashing, and loin-girding activity, Bryan essentially commandeers the resources of his ex-wife's current sugar-daddy Stuart(Xander Berkeley, d-bag secret service guy from Air Force One). Stuart, being a pussy, initially kowtows to the manly spy of a certain age, but then rallies and begins to insist that he can handle the situation. Bryan's gravelly reply:

"Now's not the time for dick measuring, Stuart!"

Bam. Discussion over. This is the social equivalent of the 137 neck-chops to the wind-pipe  Neeson doles out in the movie. 'You think now's the time to compare bank statements, turkey-penis? Things are serious, there's no room for error and no time for discussion. Now's the time for action, not pissing contests!' That's the compressed sentiment of the line and of the movie itself.

It's a glorious sentiment.

And, like many glorious sentiments, it is sorely needed in everyday society. People (men and women) go around behaving like life-sucking remoras more concerned with 'coming out ahead' of their fellow man in some arbitrary measure instead of looking at what's really important. You have the guy who drives a sports car and works overtime hours, neglecting his wife and/or family. Sure, sometimes it's alright to sit back and compare fecklessly with each other, but those are very specific times. And a lot of people don't seem to know when it's right to start stacking up what's yours beside what's mine.

Hence, the Time for Dick Measuring.

Charlie Sheen, human train wreck, needs a map for living. That's a bit ambitious for the media catfish, though, so I'll say that he specifically could use a map for Times for Dick Measuring. Seriously, the guy is so out of touch with reality, with people, and with the allusions that he drops everywhere like horse dingle-berries that he needs help and could probably get help from an average five year-old.

In recent interviews, he's claimed that he's 'living the plan', and he's added that his life has worked out great so far because of his plan. He goes on to immediately lay out that he's dick measuring with the common man, adding that his life's better than yours because you didn't plan very well.

So let me lay things out, Carlo: when you have to get carted out of your parties sick 'from laughing too hard', it is no longer time to dick measure with Joe America. Joe America has his stuff together. Joe America does not accidentally shoot his fiancé in the arm(yeah, forgot about that one, didn't you Captain Fail?). And we certainly don't want you to keep showing up on our talk shows, news programs, and family programming trying to convince us your life's better than ours.

Not the time, Carlo, not the time. Try getting your life together, getting some nerve therapy for your creepy porn-addicted twitches, and then we'll see.

1 comment:

  1. "Taken" is a fantastic film, to be sure. Not only for that line, but also for the 137 neck chops.

    Charlie Sheen is off his rocker, for sure. I saw a clip in which he claimed that dying was for fools.

    An Italian proverb I heard today: "At the end of the game, the pawn and the king go into the same box."